Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Planks In The Democratic Party Platform

  • National Anthem changed from Star-Spangled Banner to the original cast recording of Hamilton.
  • Get Out Of Jail Free card for Jamie Dimon.
  • Texas allowed to secede.
  • Interest in soccer mandated.
  • Instead of pressing “two” for Spanish, now you have to press “two” for English, and it’s still going to be in Spanish because anyone who isn’t fluent in Spanish is a racist.
  • All male ghostbusting to be forbidden.
  • Sexism to be ended by 2020.
  • An immediate raise of the minimum wage, with an end to all service and farm-related exemptions, combined with total amnesty and retroactive citizenship for all undocumented aliens residing in the country. (This is a great plan except for the fact that the economy would fall down the stairs and die if you implemented it.)
  • Confiscation of all guns, including the one your father left you that you hoped to pass on to your son.
  • Full citizenship and voting rights awarded to great apes, whales, very clever dogs, and cuttlefish.
  • Low-key continuation of the global military occupation, and escalation of whatever the hell it is we’re doing in Afghanistan and Iraq and Syria and all the other places in that general area. (Same exact plank as the Republicans, but less gleeful about it.)
  • Lena Dunham named Secretary of Problematicism.
  • Something about Native Americans.
  • Something else about Puerto Rico.
  • Blanket ban on torture, especially if anyone finds out.
  • Statehood for Cuba.
  • Because of conflicting federal and state laws concerning marijuana, we encourage the federal government to remove marijuana from the list of “Schedule 1″ federal controlled substances and to appropriately regulate it, providing a reasoned pathway for future legalization. (That’s not a joke. I copy-and-pasted it from the actual Democratic platform. Whether or not they mean it is besides the point: even if it’s bullshit, it’s heartening that potheads are now respectable enough to lie to in public.)

1 Comment

  1. I hope they are for real. About rescheduling.

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