As we recently revealed, the Grateful Dead made a policy of treating foxes kindly and seeing them out the door with a smile on their face and an STD in the pants. Young ladies spending the night with the Dead would also receive a tote bag with assorted goodies. Tell ’em what they’ve won, Johnny!

  • Lifetime supply of Turtle Wax. (A lifetime supply is one can.)
  • New underwear. (During the night, Billy scurries from room to room stealing panties like a sexually perverted racoon. He will not give the underwear back, nor will he tell anyone what he does with it.)
  • A selection of freshly picked fruits, berries, and nuts.
  • A well-lit Polaroid of the Grateful Dead member of your choosing’s member. (NOTE: The Grateful Dead dong you receive the picture of need not be the from Grateful Dead you allowed to plow you. For example, no one has ever asked for Brent’s. Also, no being cute and asking for Mrs. Donna Jean’s.)
  • A baseball signed by the entire 1974 Oakland A’s team except for Vida Blue.
  • A complete collection of Yes, Minister, and Yes, Prime Minister on VHS.
  • One (1) use of the Time Sheath technology. And you can only use it for little trips and I’m not even going to mention you-know-who and what you’re not allowed to do to him.
  • If you exhibit the slightest bit of competence, composure or just know how to get to the next gig, then you might be made road manager.
  • Dead shirt. (Tuesdays/Mickey only.)
  • A pat on the ass, a “good job, slugger,” and a ride to school.