Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Potential Problems With The Proposed Border Fence Between The US And Canada

  • It’s just fucking stupid.
  • That right there is problemo numero uno.
  • Wait, sorry: that’s the other border.
  • Bit of a hassle, eh?
  • If you took your dumbest friend or cousin, kept him awake for 48 hours by any means available up to and including intravenous crystal meth use, then hit him moderately hard in the skull with a ball-peen hammer four or five times?
  • That guy’s ideas would be smarter than “let’s build a wall along the northern border.”
  • (I’m not getting into an ad hominem thing about Scott Walker, either, though he is dumb as a duffel bag full of raccoons – this is purely about the idea and its merits.)
  • It would cost literally everything and take literally forever.
  • To solve a problem that literally does not exist.
  • Literally is only used correctly once in the previous two sentences.
  • The border, stretching from Lubec in the east to Blaine in the west, is over 5,000 miles long.
  • An easy way to visualize 5,000 miles is to picture a football field, and then imagine a row of them stretching 5,000 miles.
  • And it’s not an easy 5,000 miles, either.
  • It follows the basic east-west narrative of the continent: first third is forests, second is plain, then mountains.
  • Forests, plains, and mountains hate people and try to kill them as hard as they can.
  • Much of the border is uninhabited except for the reanimated corpses of 18th century fur trappers, or rabid moose, or the dreaded Were-Geddy.
  • (It’s like a werewolf, but, you know: Geddy Lee. How does he howl so high?)
  • There are also many lakes, which are not conducive to fences.
  • They float away.
  • The western third of the continent would be the toughest section, we would all agree.
  • It’s the Rocky fucking Mountains.
  • The Rocky Mountains hate people so much that not only do they murder human beings with some regularity, but also occasionally make people eat one another.
  • Are there Yeti there?
  • What about Wampa?
  • Isn’t the mountain range itself the best kind of barrier?
  • And: if someone can make it over those untamed mountains that have neither roads nor food, do you think a fence will stop him?
  • There is also the cost.
  • It recently cost $2 billion to build a tunnel in Boston.
  • This is bigger than that, and that’s before you start calculating the cost of ‘squatch attacks.
  • There will be ‘squatch attacks, plus workers will inevitably strike ‘squatches with their cars and then engage in escalating silliness trying to nurse them back to health.
  • Maybe they’ll even learn something through their new friendship.
  • And then the ‘squatch will eat the whole family.
  • Then there’s the less tangible problems.
  • I, for one, am kind of proud of our undefended border: if America and Canada were in a sitcom, we would always be walking into each others’ houses without asking.
  • Canada is our Larry from Three’s Company, or perhaps Kramer, Schneider, Urkel.
  • In all honesty: who would you rather share the world’s largest border with?
  • Germany?
  • Ask Belgium how well that turns out.
  • I don’t know a ton about construction, but can you do it in the winter?
  • Because Canada is where winter is from.
  • You could probably only work on the fence for five or six weeks a year, which could be viable if you managed to put 85 million people on the job at once, but that might cause supply line backups.
  • Perhaps the whole thing’s just dumb?


  1. The fact that most of us are grown men and women, makes our time spent here in the C-section even more hilarious..

    I sneak these in,
    wife is like.. “what are you doin” and I am like “nothing honey”..


  2. In these regions, the Dire Wolf collects his due.

  3. Wasn’t it a Canadian who sang “I don’t want your War Machine/I don’t want your ghetto scene/American Woman/Stay away from me”?

    Perhaps it is their fondest desire

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