2016 is almost over. Had fun, Enthusiasts? Have you whooped in delight lately? Maypole in the yard getting rusty, now a principality of spiders? Did you stop doing that thing you used to do? Have you started doing that thing you had quit?
Can you taste an old friend in the back of your throat?
Ah, cheer up, you mopey mutt. 2017 is right around the corner, and your old pal TotD is sure it’s going to be better. Things always get better, don’t they? After all, we’re the heroes in this movie; at least, that’s what I was informed.
This upcoming year is surely full of wonder, and love, and success, and reason; perhaps you have an uncle you never met who will pass on and leave you substantial fortune (provided you last one night in a haunted house). Specifically, though? Well, that would take a fortune-teller.
Luckily, I have a crystal ball.
That’s a disco ball.
My predictions are fabulous.
I hate you.
The envelope, please!
I don’t wanna do the Karnak bit.
Oh, I have the envelope right here.
ENVELOPE RIPPING NOISE
Pwhoo. That was me blowing into the envelope to open it.
Everyone knows how the Karnak bit goes.
I will now read the prediction. “We’re all gonna fucking die.”
No, there’s supposed to be a joke.
It’s funny in a certain way. When students in the Chinese Hegemony read about us in their textbooks 200 years from now, they’re gonna think it’s funny as shit.
Just do your little bit.
TotD presents Predictions For 2017:
- Pittsburgh burns to the ground: not parts of the city, or an entire neighborhood; the entire major metropolitan area.
- Harambe memes come back, but ironically this time.
- On the morning of May 3rd, the country will wake up to find that all the mustard bottles have ketchup in them, and vice versa; lunches will be ruined from sea to shining sea.
- The Mississippi River will reverse its flow, and Canada will be flooded; pick-up hockey will ensue, also mass deaths.
- A celebrity you did not think mortal will prove so.
- Historians and researchers at Oxford will reveal to the world that Christopher Marlowe also wrote all of Dickens’ books, plus the screenplay to Love, Actually.
- 2017 will the year that soccer catches on in America. (Sure, people have been saying that about every single year since 1976, but I have a good feeling about 2017.)
- Problematicism shall abound.
- The Cubs will win the World Series again; their fans, following Boston’s lead, will become unbearable in their success.
- Y’know how in 2016 ass-eating went mainstream, and Enthusiasts of a certain age and primness thought that the ground level of cultural vulgarity had been reached?
- 2017: The Year of Fisting.
- On Instagram Live, Kanye West will gouge out his own eyes; he will be wearing Khloe Kardashians’s severed head as a hat; the look will inspire his Yeezy 5.0 fashion collection, which will sell out.
- We’re all gonna fucking die.
There they are; someone check and see if I was right 12 months from now, if there’s a 12 months from now.
The only advice I have is to save your love for objects, and put your faith in technology. It’s not the end of the world. Our world, maybe, but not the world.