Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

President’s Day Trivia

  • It is a good bet that no president has shaved his testicles; if anyone was going to, it would have been JFK, but it wasn’t the style back then.
  • Franklin Pierce was terrified of railroads, the French, and the number six-and-a-half.
  • The eight presidents that owned slaves weren’t racist, just economically anxious.
  • As I mentioned in the little song parody, Millard Fillmore once ate an entire badger in one sitting to win a bet with his Secretary of State, Daniel Webster.
  • In a drunken stupor late one night, Richard Nixon issued an Executive Order declaring that the Finger Lakes didn’t exist.
  • Only one president could dunk a basketball, and holy shit are you a racist for thinking it’s Obama. (Obama couldn’t dunk with a ladder; he shoots old-man fadeaway jumpers and throws elbows. It’s Lincoln; he was known as freakishly strong athlete, and he had hands the size of Cadillacs. Lincoln could absolutely dunk a basketball, but the game had not been invented yet.)
  • When Teddy Roosevelt said that the presidency was a “bully pulpit,” he didn’t mean a position with which to force action with; to TR, “bully” meant “”outstanding”
  • This means that if Teddy Roosevelt was a millennial he would have said the presidency was a “lit pulpit.”
  • The “S” in Harry S Truman stands for “Suck My Balls, Hirohito.”
  • Blaming it on the previous administrations was more complicated for Grover Cleveland than for other presidents.
  • Thomas Jefferson owned the first Koran in America.
  • His opponents were all, “Tommy’s a Musselman.”
  • And he was like, “Nuh-uh.”
  • So the opponents went, “Let’s see your birth certificate.”
  • And Jefferson goes, “Birth certificate? It’s the year 1800. Those don’t exist.”
  • The conversation went on in that fashion for quite some time.
  • In addition to being president, Calvin Coolidge founded the company that sells Friskies cat food.
  • Richard Nixon has been haunting the White House since his death in 1994; he and Ghost Lincoln do not get along.
  • Maybe–maybe–five of them have been decent, thoughtful human beings; the rest: monsters, criminals, fools, drunks, and the current thing.
  • If FDR were alive today, he would be 137 and deeply disappointed in us.
  • George Washington didn’t have children because he wished to sever the werewolf bloodline. (George Washington was a werewolf.)
  • Gerald Ford liked to be called “Jerry,” unless you were his dominatrix, in which case he liked to be called “Shit Boy.”


  1. Dunking a basketball–laughed so hard Syrah almost came out my nose.

    I love presidential trivia.
    Speaking of politicians, here’s my all time favorite trivia question:
    Who is the only player to win the Conn Smythe Trophy a year BEFORE winning the Calder Trophy?
    I’m sure our closest neighbors to the north will know this one.

  2. Van Buren ate the badger. At least, according to your previous post. Which is how I get all my factual information these days.

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