Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Prize Fight

“Putin love you, Kodo. Putin love you, Podo.”

“KLICKICKICKICK!”

“EEeeeKLICKeeeEEEEeee.”

“Da, Putin vill have trainer killed.”

What are you doing?

“Mastering beasts.”

You are not the Beastmaster.

“Putin is Beastmaster. Talk to animals. Dumb creatures. Foolish things. Useful brutes. You getting vhat Putin is laying down?”

Yeah. I do.

“If Russians laughed, Putin vould be laughing.”

Are you telling me that you used your psionic abilities to communicate with the animal kingdom to mesmerize Trump into doing your bidding?

“Da, vhy nyet? This makes as much sense as any other explanation for election.”

It’s been a weird time over here, man.

“Putin happy.”

“POOTER GONNA BE SLAPHAPPY!”

Dammit. What do you do, hang around right offstage waiting for your cue?

“MAH JUMPSUIT IS MADE FROM TH’ FIBERS O’ EXISTENCE ISSELF, MAN. AH C’N FEEL WHEN AH AM NEEDED.”

You’re not needed.

“No one need Elvis America.”

“YEAH, MAN? THEN WHY’D TH’ PEOPLE GIMME THIS?”

“That man has eye condition.”

“THASS MAH FURRIER, MAN. PROVIDES ME AN’ MAH GIRLFRIENDS WITH TH’ FINEST OF COATS. SABLE, MINK, CHINCHILLA. AH HAVE A HAT MADE O’ CAPYBARA.”

“This is rat. You have rat hat.”

“IT AIN’T NO RAT HAT, MAN! ISS EXOTIC!”

“Big rat. Small award.”

“THIS HERE A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD, HOMBRE. YOU BES’ RECOGNIZE MAH ACHIEVMENTS! THIS HERE WHATCHAMACALLIT SAYS IT MAH ACHIEVEMENTS STRETCH MAH WHOLE LIFE. NOT MANY C’N SAY THAT.”

“Pssh.”

“Is so small.”

“IT AIN’T TH’ SIZE O’ TH’ AWARD, ISS HOW AWESOME Y’ARE! AN’ YOU AIN’T AWESOME.”

“Trophy says different.”

“WHASS ‘AT EVEN FOR?”

Потрясающие.”

“YOU SPEAK HEATHEN TONGUES ‘ROUND ME ONCE MORE, AN’ ISS GONNA BE A TIME WAR, BOY.”

“Nyetbody vant Time War.”

“MADE NO DANG SENSE. JUS’ A FLIPPITY-DIPPITY O’ A STORYLINE.”

“And alvays vith dinosaurs.”

“ISS LIKE A TIC WITH HIM, MAN.”

“Da.”

“BAM! HOW YOU LIKE THAT? AH GOT A BIG AWARD ‘AN SOME POLK SALAD. AN’ AH GOT ME A FAT GUY.”

“Guy is not so fat.”

“WHATCHOO TALKIN’ ‘BOUT, POOTER? ISS 1971. THIS SUMBITCH IS FAT AS SHIT F’R 1971.”

“Fat guy have face of Brezhnev.”

“YOU GOT A POINT, MAN.”

“Vhat is small shiny record for?”

“ISS F’R ME.”

“For doing vhat?”

“BEIN’ ME.”

“Is small.”

“BIGGER’N TH’ LAST ONE!”

“Da.”

“Putin have bigger one, too.”

“THASS RELATIVELY TH’ SAME SIZE.”

“No. Is bigger. Scroll back.”

“AH SAID RELATIVELY.”

“Veasel vord.”

“Y’KNOW, YOU SHOULD JUS’ MAKE A CONCERTED EFFORT T’ STAY AWAY FROM WORDS THAT START WITH W.”

“Then how could Putin call himself vinner?”

“YOU AIN’T WINNIN’, COMMIE. LOOKY HERE!”

“ONE, TWO…A LOT. MANY. AN’ AH’M A SHERIFF.”

“Elvis is nyet sheriff.”

“GOT A BADGE. GONNA ARREST YER RED ASS. FROG-MARCH YA DOWN T’ TH’ HOOSEGOW WITH ALL TH’ BOOTY BANDITS!”

“Putin’s English is nyet idiomatic enough for these terms.”

“AH DO TEND T’ COLLOQUIALIZE.”

“This is not vord.”

“ISS A DANG NEOLOGISM! AMERICANS C’N MAKE UP THEIR OWN WORDS, OR HAVE CHARLIE HODGE DO IT F’R THEM!”

“Charlie Hodge cannot come up vith vords. Charlie Hodge is simpleton.”

“YEAH, OKAY, YOU GOT ANOTHER POINT.”

“Putin is vinning.”

“HOW YOU WINNIN’? SHOW ME?’

“How do Putin’s balls taste?”

“AH AIN’T TASTIN’ YER BALLS!”

“Do you lack taste buds? Balls are in mouth.”

“NAW, MAN! THIS HERE’S A BALL-FREE MOUTH.”

“Barely room for teeth, is so much ball.”

“MAH TEETH GOT ROOM! THEY COULD PUT THEIR FEET UP!”

Elvis!

“WHATCHOO WANT, BOY?”

Can I talk to you over here?

“AH GRANT THIS.”

THEME FROM 2001 NOISE

Does that happen whenever you walk?

‘UH-HUH.”

Awesome. King, listen: you’re taking a beating out there.

“AH HAVE SEV’RAL COMEBACKS IN ME.”

You were always good at those. Just get it together. Please don’t let Putin kick your ass.

“AH AM VERY SYMBOLIC.”

Right.

3 Comments

  1. That Sheriff shot of Elvis is the most Adam-Ant he has ever looked.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    March 16, 2017 at 11:50 am

    dude in blue shirt with glasses. wasn’t he at Altamont? beating on people with pool cues? now he talks to the Dolphins?

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    March 16, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    this bullshit here. he can barely stand up. not even worth knocking him on his ass, he’s so feeble.

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