Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Proper Responses To Door-To-Door Charity Solicitors

  • Savage violence.
  • Furious vengeance.
  • Kicking.
  • So much kicking: shins, knees, back to shins.
  • Meat cleaver action.
  • Straw through the eyeball, then a rigorous brainsucking.
  • Trebuchet, but instead of flinging a projectile at him from a distance, you run the fucker over with the giant wooden wheels.
  • Vomit up acid onto his hand and foot like Brundlefly.
  • Deprive him of love, and his life of meaning.
  • Deprive him of nipples.
  • Sew his feet onto an alligator’s back, so he has to ride the gator: as long as he stays upright, he’s safe; everyone gets tired, though.
  • The ol’ Altoona Hat Job.
  • Or maybe just not answer the door.


  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    December 14, 2016 at 10:30 am

    Whatever charity it is, I tell them that I am one of the people that they are collecting for and could they help me out, now.

  2. I’d like to recommend answering the door naked.

    Also good is to start with “I’m glad you’re here, do you have a few minutes to talk about the Grateful Dead?”

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