Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Push That Button The Time Traveler Said Not To

Give it to me.

“Fuck off.”

Goddammit, Phil: gimme the phone.

“Fuck off. What phone? Fuck off.”

I can see it in the giant pocket of your comfy sweatpants.

“That’s not a phone.”

“Playing cards.”


“I’m learning magic. Ned Lagin is coming back and we’re gonna do a Penn and Teller routine in between sets.”

None of that is true. Give me the phone.

“Fuck off. I need it.”

Dammit, all of you need to stop routing your WiFi through the Time Sheath.

“I have to be in touch with the restaurant.”

That’s 20 years away from this picture.

“I don’t exist in 1989. I exist within a picture taken of 1989.”

This all makes my head hurt.

“The busboys must be managed. Last time I left them alone, they tried to form a union. The time before that, they tried to form Voltron.”

That didn’t happen.


Not a word.

“They should be happy for their employment. I house them. I feed them. I clothe them. What more do they want?”

Pay them?

“Never! That’s not how this works.”

How does it work?

“Busboys are social creatures; they follow a hierarchy. You engage the alpha in combat. You best him. Then, the whole pack belongs to you.”

I think you’re talking about otters.

“Busboys and river otters are closely related species. You can’t have my phone.”


At least tell Bobby to take the Apple Watch off?

“No. Fuck off.”


  1. Suggested character: Bobby’s can of FastFret. I have never seen another professional musician carry that shit on stage with him/her. He still uses it, AFAIK.

    • I agree, if not the fast fret as a character, than at least a discussion between Garcia and Bobby regarding Fast Fret.

      Garcia would have opium residue and peanut butter on his fingers and his guitar would have bits of sandwich in the strings.

      Meanwhile Bobby would grease up the frets and lunge to the edge of the stage and say HaiYah!!

      Doesn’t take fast fret to do the Lunge.

      Love them both, but just sayin

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    December 24, 2016 at 9:40 am

    Meet Phil Doe

  3. Cigs? A tuner? 80’s Velcro wallet?

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