Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Putin On The Ritz

“Sure, I’ll talk about my clothes. Thanks for asking.”

I totally didn’t.

“My boots are Marvana featuring Wicky Z for Quilty by Leomberge.”

Never heard of ’em.

“Of course not: you’re poor. The pants are Scaramucci.”

Like the Mooch?

“No, the same guy. The Mooch made my trousers. I don’t agree with his politics, but he can sew like an angel.”


“The tee-shirt is Visvim, obviously.”


“Their new line of raw shirts is astounding. Raw cotton, raw dye. The tailors who make the shirts? All they eat is nuts and berries. Completely raw.”


“You just don’t understand fashion.”

Apparently not.

“The necklace is a Billy Bling. Only forty grand because we’re friends.”

You have the worst taste in men.

“What about women?”

You have predictable taste in women.

“And now we go to the piece de resistance. That’s French for ‘thing that resists.'”

It’s not.

“The toppermost.”

It’s a nice one.

“It’s called Lizards Quake When Dusk Falls On The Desert.”

What an evocative name.

“My new topper-shifu created it for me. His name is Makira Gojira.”

No, it isn’t.

“He’s a marvel. Totally blind. He sews by zen.”

He sews by zen?

“Oh, sorry. I meant Zen. That’s his assistant’s name. Does most of the actual sewing, but Gojira-san oversees. Well, not oversees, but you get the drift. They’re making me another toppermost right now.”

How many do you need?

“It’s not for me.”

Goddammit, Josh, do NOT act as a personal stylist for Kim Jong-Un!

“You’re not my boss.”




I know.

“Is this Kim Jong-Un? I’ve been meaning to talk to him.”

Sure, pick up the phone.

“Nothing looks grim when I’m hanging with Kim.”

“Is nyet Kim, Hot Dog Dick.”

“Ah, fuck.”

“Putin now have toppermost technology.”


“Ve have vays of getting toppermosts, Mr. Dog Dick.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Is so comfortable. Very stylish. Putin is beautiful Soviet peacock.”

“Seriously, where did you get that?”

“Invade Japan.”

“You didn’t.”

“Da. Posion Hello Kitty.”


“I am bad guy.”


“Answer question for Putin.”


“Vhy Taylor rip off Spike Jonez? New video is just Veapon of Choice.”

“You are way more in tune with pop culture than I’d figure.”

“Putin is online.”

“We’ve noticed.”

“Is no good vith Taylor. She dance like babushka. Putin miss Christopher Valken.”

“I gotta go.”

“You think he kill Natalie Vood?”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Da. Putin look better than you.”

“No, you d–



1 Comment

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    March 14, 2018 at 1:42 pm

    Nokie and the Boys were way ahead of Josh & Poutine

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