So, what’s going on with the Grateful Dead?

Nothing. They disbanded twenty years ago.

Are you gonna start being a dick this early in the FAQ?

Sorry. I take your opening question to mean “What’s happened lately in specific offices, rehearsal studios, websites, football stadiums, 1100 movie theaters, and the Kauai bar and grill known as Shooter’s?”

Yes.

There will be two more shows in Santa Clara with the lineup from the Chicago shows.

I thought the Chicago shows were going to be it.

No. Not “it.” No one ever said that Chicago was “it.” They said Chicago was “final.” And the Santa Clara shows are before Chicago, which means they’re still the final shows.

Well, if a lawyerly distinction isn’t the essence of rock and roll, I don’t know what is. No shows on the East Coast, though?

Not unless they announce them tomorrow. Or at least before May 1st, because they’re going to sell a webcast package of all five shows.

Ah, yes: the webcast.

Right. Just announced today, along with pay-per-view through your cable provider on your big ol’ 60″ screen and subwoofers. Plus Bill Walton and a guy named Steve doing the commentary.

Uh-huh. Why does a concert need commentary?

Because it’s not a concert to the people getting pay-per-view: it’s a TV show. And to the people watching it on the webtubes, it’ll be an internet.

That’s a deep thought under the silliness.

Oh, I guarantee I’ll become astonishingly pretentious about it in the coming weeks.

Yeah, I can see that happening. Wait: weren’t they gonna do closed-circuit?

They still are, I guess. The only thing that makes sense is that the contract with Fathom called for a week to try to sell some tickets before announcing the infinitely better options.

Watching the shows in a movie theater sounds terrible.

I know: it’s like something from a Japanese game show. Without the tentacle rape, unless you’re in San Antonio.

I haven’t heard that.

What?

The tentacle rape thing.

Yeah: up to 30% of all San Antonio-ites have been tentacle raped at one time or another.

Who do the tentacles belong to?

Some say the ghost of General Santa Anna–

Stop this. Stop this now. It is not right and it’s not okay. It is the opposite of that Whitney Houston hit.

So young.

Be free, Whitney.

I need you to either do the FAQ and help people machete through the jungle of nonsense that is the world of the Grateful Dead nowadays, or just be quiet. Either one.

I got into this to help people.

Sure. Me, too.

Okay. Continue.

How much the webcast gonna set a fellow back?

$80.

That’s not bad, I guess.

Five nights of entertainment; fifteen hours of live music; two straight weekends in the company of Jefferson Davis Chimenti.

I did not know that was his full name.

Direct descendant.

Chimenti?

Well, you have to mix the genes up a little.

Wait. I don’t get what the difference between pay-per-view and a webcast is anymore. Can’t you view anything you want anywhere you want now? Isn’t that the point of 2015: our digital swaddle?

They will both come into the house via the same cable, or to your computer/device/watch/retinal implant over the same invisible beams, I suppose. The webcast might have one of those chat boxes, or an ability to switch between views, or some other nifty stuff.

The chat box is not nifty. The chat box is proof of God’s indifference

I agree. The only way I would be in favor of a chat box is if it were rigged somehow, Saw-style, and if you chatted in the chat box, your computer would snap shut, crushing your hands and possibly eating you.

Changing views is cool, though.

Totes.

And the pay-per-view?

I think bars and groups and parties and people with big honking theater systems will go for that.

Y’think Bill Walton will say some goofy shit?

That’s like asking if he’s gonna breathe, or convert food into energy, or tear his MCL. Of course he will.