Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Questions For Jeff Chimenti On The Occasion Of His Crime Spree

  • Seriously, how do you get arrested for weed in 2015?
  • That’s not the real question, is it?
  • How does a white guy get arrested for weed in 2015?
  • You didn’t get mouthy with the cop, did you?
  • Lippy?
  • Give him that patented Chimenti Backtalk?
  • Anyway: regardless of all our fun and games, you shouldn’t be driving while you’re stoned.
  • (I guess, mostly. You kinda have to say that, don’t you, even though YOU TOTALLY CAN DRIVE STONED.)
  • So, I hope you weren’t hot boxing your rental.
  • I also hope you weren’t hot boxing your rental because the two of you are 46 and 50 years old and just shouldn’t be hot boxing anything at this point.
  • Did your silvery mane not come with wisdom, Jeff Chimenti?
  • Did you at least make the side proud with the marihuana?
  • Was it the stickiest icky?
  • The stankest dank?
  • If it was the dank, was it the diggity dank?
  • After handling it, did you have to wash your hands?
  • When the cop came up to the car, why didn’t you seductively lower the zipper on your jumpsuit to reveal your bodacious tatas?
  • Why didn’t you bounce on the devil, and put the metal to the floor?
  • Did you try crying and offering to blow the officer?
  • Would you like to blame this all on Jay Lane?
  • Wouldn’t it feel better to blame this all on him, Jeff Chimenti.
  • Have you ever thrown anyone under the bus before?
  • Maybe you would like doing it: try it.
  • Maybe you should blame this all on Jay Lane.
  • Will you still be available for the tour which has not been announced but anyone with an IQ over 40 knows is happening?
  • Or will you be in prison, Jeff Chimenti?
  • Do you know how to shank a guy, or make a rotting grapefruit into a citrus-vagina?
  • You should learn.
  • If you have to join a gang on the inside and get some racist tattoos, we will understand.
  • You should not get them tattooed on your face, though.
  • I don’t care how well you can play the B3, if you have a giant swastika on your face, then you can’t be in the band.
  • When you came out of the jailhouse or police station or wherever, were the other Grateful Deads standing there with gifts and yelling about how “You popped your cherry!”
  • (Please don’t think that’s a joke about your Italian heritage: I just really like Goodfellas.)
  • (Although, all of you greasy pizza-dicks do have mob ties in real life.)
  • Is this going to lead to flakka?
  • Do not do flakka, Jeff Chimenti.
  • That is not the Grateful Dead thing to do.

8 Comments

  1. I’d go with the “Insane in the Mane” Defense.
    And I hear semi-melted Jolly Rogers make good prison knives…..

  2. “When you came out of the jailhouse or police station or wherever, were the other Grateful Deads standing there with gifts and yelling about how “You popped your cherry!””

    Alternately, I’m picturing Pigpen, Keith, Brent, & Vinnie standing off on the side all translucent-y like Anakin & Obi-Wan & Yoda at the end of Empire Strikes Back.

  3. The danker the weed the higher the speed

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