Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Questions For Senator Leahy

As a taxpayer–

I can’t even begin to list the inaccuracies in that description.

–all I ask is what can my country do for me? And how can I get away with contributing nothing, yet looking as though I was, and maybe stealing just a little bit on the way out the door?

The power of journalism, my fellow Enthusiasts. While U.S. Senator Pat Leahy (D-VT) is, indeed, my newest and closest of companions, our friendship must remain private. TotD cannot reveal to you, say, the amusement park he rented out with slush fund money so we could ride the Steamin’ Demon over and over again, whinnying like happy, little ponies each time we went round the loop.

That would be bad for his image.

And yet: the Senator has never answered–publicly–many questions that Enthusiasts need to know. Therefore, TotD submits these simple questions, mostly dealing with his love for the Dead.

  • When was your first Dead show?
  • Were you tripping balls? (I know you’re a serious person and can’t answer that, so if it’s “yes,” just continue being the senior Senator from Vermont, and we’ll all know that you were tripping balls.)
  • What is your favorite Dead show?
  • What is the BEST EVAR Dead show?
  • In less than 10,000 words, please compare and contrast your favorite Dead show to the BEST EVAR Dead show, and explain why they must by definition be two different shows.
  • I will also accept a rant that becomes increasingly obscurantist on the subject of subjectivity and the false categorization that BEST EVAR necessarily entails. Bonus points for mentioning Jeremy Bentham or Jacques Lacan.
  • Which Senator is the smelliest?
  • Why won’t Bernie Sanders comb his hair?
  • Has there ever been a U.S. Senator named “Stitches,” and if not, could you get everyone to call Ted Cruz that?
  • What was your favorite Garcia song?
  • What was your favorite Bobby song?
  • What was your favorite Brent song? (I’m just kidding: no one had a favorite Brent song.)
  • What’s the longest you’ve ever kept a goldfish alive?
  • How far in advance does the Senate know which team will win that year’s Super Bowl?
  • How sweet are franking privileges?
  • You’ve been a Senator for almost 40 years: how much franking would you say you’ve done?
  • What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever franked? Like: could you send a piano to Milwaukee?
  • Has there ever been a Senator named Frank? Because his wife would also have had Franking privileges.
  • I’m not saying it’s a regular thing, but there’s been at least one Black Mass in the Senate Building, right?
  • What’s with New Hampshire?


  1. Inquiring minds want to know…

  2. Spoke with Senator Lautenberg’s wife. She says Franking privileges haven’t been worth the paper they’re printed on since the Nixon administration.

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