• How Muslim are you?
  • Seriously: wide receiver Muslim or suicide bomber Muslim?
  • Do you share our values?
  • Whaddya mean, “Define ‘values?'” I’m asking the questions around here, Ayatollah.
  • How many homosexuals have you thrown off buildings at the direct command of Hillary Clinton, who is very crooked and just the worst?
  • That is how the question is written on the page, sir; President Trump wrote them himself.
  • Well, he dictated them.
  • Same thing; stop distracting me or I’ll have you thrown in Super-Guantanamo.
  • When did you decide to destroy America?
  • Just answer the question, sir.
  • No, you may not dispute the underlying assumption, as per Sect 21.2c of the Patriot Act.
  • I’m sorry, sir: “I have not decided to destroy America” is not an acceptable answer.
  • Well, because there’s not a box for it on the form.
  • Your options are “1-5 years ago,” “6-10 years ago,” “I was born with an innate hatred of America,” “All of the above” or “Other.”
  • Yes, I’m aware that “All of the above” is not allowable within any coherent system of logic; you don’t need to explain basic logic to me, sir; I don’t come to where you work and teach you set theory.
  • Fine, “Other.”
  • When you worked for ISIS, did Barack Obama pay you directly?
  • Well, GO to Canada, then; America has done pretty damn well without immigrants this far!