Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Quotes From Today’s White House Press Briefing, Without Context

  • “How many people showed up depends on who you classify as ‘people,’ and the President has informed me not to count Mexicans or the gay-looking.”
  • “Two million supporters were in the crowd, but 1.8 million of them were wearing camouflage.”
  • “The Constitution does not explicitly prohibit the Executive Office from having journalists and their families beaten. Just so you know.”
  • “Severeal Supreme Court Justices said that President Trump took the oath better than Obama did.”
  • “Yeah, well, where’s Hillary’s inauguration crowd, huh? Huh? We WON and you LOST, FUCKERS, so suck our HUGE REAL AMERICAN BALLS.”
  • “Satellite photos have a known liberal bias.”
  • “About 8 inches and thick.”
  • “Since the President entered the White House, birds and small animals have been assembling outside to pay tribute to him; why hasn’t the press reported on that? Why have you not interviewed the thousands and thousands of chipmunks who want to united the country?”
  • “Perhaps the turnout was due to the fact that Republicans have jobs, as opposed to the women who flew cross-country and booked hotel rooms, and are clearly unemployed and broke.”
  • “Who told you that? A woman? Figures.”
  • “Historians are calling President Trump’s speech the greatest since Lincoln. And before Lincoln. And Lincoln. Many historians have declared Donald Trump to be superior in all ways to Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.”
  • “I’m not taking questions from CNN. CNN are proven liars. Yes, the gentleman in the brown shirt from Breitbart?”
  • “The report with the official estimate from the women’s march has come in from the parks department: 47. Can you believe that? Only 37 women showed up today. Wow. Just 27 women. No, you can’t see the report.”
  • “Yeah, but how many of the women who marched were hot?”


  1. Tuesday Jackson

    January 22, 2017 at 9:43 am

    My sister officially loves you.

  2. Fuck, I’m laughing and crying…

  3. GjermundHigraff

    January 22, 2017 at 3:30 pm

    That should be “YUGE REAL AMERICAN BALLS”.

  4. I’ve avoided the shitshow like….well a shitshow. From now on I will being using ToTD as my only source for news.

  5. We have to laugh to keep from crying. He’s delusional and now he’s in charge. Damn.

  6. ALL of the women who marched where hot. I mean seriously.. really.. totally.

    I picture captain Crazy pants punching the bust of Martin Luther King hurting his hand and then crying into the bust of kellyanne Conway as she tries to console him by sending out Sean Spicer to “make everything better for sad baby Trumpkins”

  7. I was on the mall during the inauguration (way back by the Washington Monument) and a not-insignificant percentage of people really were wearing camo. But the effect was negated by the abundance those fucking red hats.

    Also, I’ve only been gone for three days. What the hell happened around here?

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