Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Rambling Rose By Any Other Name

As you know, TotD has declared the Grateful Dead’s 50th Anniversary over.

And, yet, you continue to talk about it.

I could go back to comic books and movies that haven’t come out yet.

Proceed with the anniversary jokes.

This being the date of the first show played as the Grateful Dead instead of The Warlocks, I broke into Nicholas von Merriweather’s private study as the GD Archive on the campus of UC Santa Cruz. (Go Banana Slugs.) Unfortunately, it was three in the afternoon and he was there.

Quickly, I chloroformed him, but it turns out chloroform doesn’t actually work that way in real life, so I Colorformed him, but it turns out slapping vinyl stickers on someone doesn’t work at all. Then, I chlorophylled him, but it–

Stop it.

Anyway, after dispatching von Merriweather, I found one of the true Holy Grails of Dead collecting: a list of names considered for the band never before seen in public! I share it with you now.

  • Portishead.
  • Pig and the Pens.
  • Vascular Disease.
  • Ray Bradbury’s Lusty Negro.
  • Myrtle Beech and the Carolinas.
  • Schmuck Schmuck Goose.
  • Flank Steak.
  • Loin.
  • Rump Roast. (The last three were Bear’s ideas.)
  • Zoo Full of Cock. (Billy’s.)
  • The Sensamillionaires.
  • Homeless Foot.
  • Farrington Jabbersmith, DDS.
  • Motorfucker.
  • Stool Sample.
  • Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
  • The Palo Alto Playmakers.
  • Bazooka Hour.
  • Liquid Scarf Demolition.
  • Low Spiritual Dynamite.
  • Lethal Sanction Demand.
  • Limited Slip Differential. (This went on for quite a while.)
  • One more: Laughable Sasquatch Dong.


  1. Have you talked to an Intellectual Property attorney yet, because you know Phil’s next band is going to steal a name from this list, probably Low Spiritual Dynamite..

  2. Lengthy Shorts Dangling

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