Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Reason for Absence?

Wondering where drummer David Kemper was in the previously-posted shot? No? Not even a little?

Well, you can kiss it. That’s right: kiss it.

Are you done?


What’s “it?”


Knock it off or you’re going to kiss mine. Both of you.

Anyway: just where was David Kemper, ten-year veteran drummer of the Jerry Band, during the photo shoot? TotD investigates…

  • Kemper is half-Norweigian and the Winter Olympics were airing.
  • Daylight Savings Time misunderstanding.
  • He was with friends! Stop interrogating David Kemper: you’re not his real dad!
  • Billy kidnapped him out of jealousy.
  • Billy kidnapped him for money.
  • Billy kidnapped him accidentally. (Billy would revert to muscle memory sometimes and kidnap people in a fugue state, like a man driving to his previous house after work, except with more duct tape and ski masks.)
  • Afro shame.
  • Brief side note: what do you think the street value of Garcia’s flannel is? Couple hundred, right? Gotta be a couple grams of whatever in the frocket alone.
  • He had built a log flume in the backyard of his Iowa home and, from out of the cornfields, great log flumists of the past came to ride with him.
  • He was assigned to a lonely outpost in Indian country, whereupon he befriends them and has sex with a woman who is conveniently white.
  • Lupus. (It wasn’t lupus.)
  • Car hit a pelican and when he went to investigate, the pelican–merely stunned–pulled a knife and chased him down Market Street.
  • Kemper figured that Garcia wouldn’t notice whether he was there or not, so he slept in.


  1. Stupid comments by someone trying to be funny but really isn’t.

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