Reasons For White People To Say The N-Word

It’s like some people aren’t listening, and Jesus it’s tiring making the same arguments again and again, so everyone pay attention. We’re not doing this again.

You are a racist. This is not an excuse, just a valid explanation. It is, in fact, the only completely defensible reason (though the least defensible moral position).

Why did that man burn down the mall?
Because he is an arsonist.

Why did that man eat that family?
Because he is a very hungry cannibal.

Why did that man say the N-word?
Because he is a racist.

Open and shut case. If you’re a racist, please feel free to say the N-word to your shriveled and leathery heart’s desire. In fact, please say it around black people, or into recording devices.

You are an actor. And, you know, only in certain very proscribed situations. The guy who plays Green Arrow is an actor, but he’s not allowed to shout the N-word in Target. Obviously, I mean while you’re performing. And it really should be in the script: it is a terrible idea to try to work the N-word into an ad-lib.

You are singing/rapping along with your radio in the car by yourself. If there’s anyone else in the car–no matter their race–you have to mumble the word.

THE FOLLOWING EXCUSES ARE BULLSHIT:

“I didn’t say ‘-er,’ I said ‘-a.'”

Stop that. Do you even hear yourself? Just stop it.

“Why do they get to say that word?”

Holy shit, I hate you now.

“I have many black friends/lovers/employees.”

Great. They all hate you now.

“I’m a cool white person, though. Not like the other white people. I have a ghetto pass.”

Not anymore, fucko. You didn’t read the back of your ghetto pass, which clearly reads “Shall be revoked in case holder says the N-word in public.”

Are we clear now? Does everyone know the rules? It’s simple: don’t say the N-word, because it really makes you like a cunt.

Thank you.