Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Reasons Not To Have A Vulture As A Pet

  • They are vultures.
  • Everything about them stinks.
  • Their food also stinks.
  • They are harbingers of death.
  • Droppings are highly acidic and, again, stinky.
  • I cannot overemphasize the aroma.
  • Resistant to learning tricks.
  • Physically unable to roll over.
  • I’m not positive what noise vultures make, or if they make noise at all, but I’m sure it is a blood-curdling sound.
  • May or may not be against your lease.
  • Allergies.
  • Yes, vultures are scavengers and subsist on carrion, but if you stop moving for a minute and that monster’s in reach of you, it’s eating your eyeball.
  • If you go away on vacation, you will not be able to find a kennel for your vulture.
  • A lot of people enjoy dressing their pets for Halloween these days and vultures will have none of that.
  • Do not try to put a Star Wars-related costume on your vulture, thinking you are going to Instagram that shit and go viral.
  • You will go to the hospital.
  • At best.
  • There is no category in which a vulture does not fail at being a pet.
  • Not cuddly.
  • Will not defend your home.
  • Or maybe it would, I don’t know: what I do know is that a German Shepard will also defend your home while also not being an acid-vomiting, corpse-eating stinkbeast.
  • At this point if you’re still considering a vulture as a pet, I have to question your decision-making skills.
  • Is it a sex thing?
  • It shouldn’t be.
  • You can’t have sex with a vulture, and not in the sense that you can’t have sex with a Goldendoodle.
  • You shouldn’t have sex with a Goldendoodle
  • You totally can.
  • You literally cannot have sex with a vulture.
  • So, if that’s the reason you’re thinking about getting one, then you should know that.
  • Another thing to think about is the conservation status of the particular species of vulture you’re contemplating bringing into your home: some vultures are endangered.
  • That means that if the vulture ever attacked you, it would be a federal crime to defend yourself.
  • That is a “damned if you do, eaten by a vulture if you don’t” situation, which doesn’t come up a lot.
  • The reason a vulture doesn’t have feathers on its head is because they would get in the way when it shoved its entire head into your gut and ate you from the inside out.
  • Humans are incapable of thinking in the kind of evolutionary time-frames necessary to understand how many generations of shoving heads in guts led to a bald head.
  • They started with feathers all over their bodies, like normal birds.
  • Then they stuck their entire heads in the guts of wounded animals for millions of years.
  • Now, no feathers.
  • This is an animal whose entire survival strategy, a strategy that its genotype itself bent to serve, revolved around jamming its head up to the shoulders in the splayed-open belly of a dying antelope
  • Antelopes make a noise when they die.
  • Muhh muhh muhh.
  • It almost sounds like they’re saying “mother” and they can watch the rest of the vulture’s flock advance and circle around for dinner.
  • How much clearer can I make it that vultures are not pets?
  • Cannot be housebroken and if you try they will eat your eyeball.


  1. THIS! This is the post we get on August 9, 2015, the 20th anniversary of Jerry’s Spirit starting his Journey. Drink down a bottle of George Dickel and get your act together man. hahaha

  2. I’ll have what he’s havin’

  3. If you look above you’ll see the vultures moving in

  4. You should add some chords to that. I think you have a song cycle there.

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