1. None of your donation will be redirected to any political candidates. Mutant Mussolini or Lady Macbeth: neither of them will get a cent you entrust to my care. When you shop at a large chain, or a local shop, you can’t be sure that part of the money you spend there won’t go to a politician you find odious. You can be sure of that here.
  2. If you’re reading this, then you are both a good American (even the Canadians) and environmentally conscious. Well, the Donate Button not only stimulates the economy, but does it in the most ecological way possible. The carbon footprint is like that of a rich Chinese lady from the past.
  3. It’s what Harambe would have wanted.
  4. Can we be honest together, you and me? Just for a second? Leave our egos at the door and just be real? Really real? Okay, here goes: what’s better than me on the innertubes? Daily? Just one guy? Who? I’ll wait.
  5. Still waiting. And, you know: not to be a dick. But, still: who? A single person doing what I do as well as I do it?
  6. What is it exactly you do?
  7. GET OUT OF HERE! I’m being immodest and the post is numbered. You can’t be here in the numbers.
  8. Have you ever succeeded in getting out of your own way?
  9. No.
  10. You many continue being unpleasant while begging for money on the internet.
  11. Thank you.
  12. Some Enthusiasts, one would assume, are very rich. One would further assume that these wealthy folks fall into two categories. There are those two feel guilty about their riches, and I offer to take some of their money so they might feel less guilt. Then there are the other rich people, who have no embarrassment at all about their loot, and I say to them: good for you, pal; give me some.
  13. If you were TotD, and I were an Enthusiast, then I would click your Donate Button. That’s kind of a contract.
  14. Remember when I saved your life in Nam, man?
  15. Jesus would not give me any money, but Satan surely would, so if you are a member of the Church of Satan: there’s your reason.
  16. (An aside: adults should not be in the Church of Satan. It’s the try-hardiest religion there is, and if you’re a member, you should have to walk around with a flashlight under your chin making spooky faces and going, ” Oogie boogie,” at children. None of the component parts of Satanism are inherently dopey–wearing black, and orgies, and a negative reading of the Golden Rule–but when you put them together, it’s a bit performative. Also, Anton LeVey was a carny, and I mean that not in a pejorative sense or to put him down. But the guy was a rube-fleecer.)
  17. Speaking of Jesus and money, He said that it would be easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a camel, than for a needle to become a fisher of men. What about that, huh? You gonna disagree with Jesus?

pope bus.jpg

“Who disagree wit-a da Jesus? You tell-a da Pope!”

Oh, Goddammit.

“Hey! Watch-a  da language!”

Sorry, Your Holiness.

“I-a forgive you. But-a next time? I wash-a you mouth out wit-a da Pope.”

Ew. Pope Francis, no offense, but what are you doing here? I’m in the middle of a thing.

“What’s-a you thing?”

Begging.

“I know-a da begging. Catholic Church invent-a da begging. You get-a more money if-a you throw in some threats.”

The Enthusiasts will not believe me if I tell them they’ll burn in eternity if they don’t contribute.

“We been getting away wit-a dat for two thousand-a years now.”

It’s a good racket.

“Is-a da best. You should start-a da religion. Like-a da Elmore Leonard”

L.Ron Hubbard, I think.

“Or you should write-a da crime novel. Like L. Ron Hubbard.”

Your Holiness, why are you on a bus?

“Benedict wrecked-a da Popemobile.”

Oh, no.

“He-a totalled it! He-a no keep-a his eyes on-a da road! On-a da phone!”

Please don’t say–

“He play-a da Pokemon!”

–he was playing Pokemon. Man, that thing is big.

“You should-a see da Sistine-a Chapel. No one’s-a looking up!”

That’s not good.

“St. Peter’s tomb is-a now a Pokehub. Is-a disrespectful.”

You’re right. But again: why are you here?

“I come-a to bring-a da peace. We have-a da talks. President-a Katy and-a da skinny girl and-a da fat Chinese one and-a da boy in-a da tablecloth. We-a gonna hash-a this out.”

This amuses me.

“Si, si. Is-a very silly. Pope-a Francis on-a da bus of peace!”

I have faith in you. You know where you’re going?

“Driver know-a da shortcut.”

Precarious?

“Yo?”

Gainfully employed, I see.

“Always.”

“Okay, okay. You go back to-a da begging.”

Y’know, I think I’m gonna call it a night, Pope Francis.

“Si, si. Is-a late. Good-a night, TotD.”

Good night, Pope.

“Night, TotD.”

Good night, Precarious.

“Good night, man.”

Soup? What the fuck?

“Yoko threw me off his bus, man.”

Good night, Soup.

“Always, man.”