Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Reasons Unfathomable

peter shapiro“Hey, Thoughts on the Dead! How’s it going?”

Oh, no. You should not be in here.

“It’s me, Pete. Hey now, brother.”

Um, hi.

“Wanted to pop in and give you an exclusive. I figured we announced the Fare Thee Medium Well shows on the radio, so for this big news we might as well go to the number-one source of the web for information on the Dead, as well as digressive conversations with imagined personae of the Dead, and the occasional movie parody.”

So, you read the site.

“Dude, here’s my morning routine: coffee, poop, kale smoothie, second poop, baker’s dozen bong hits, TotD. Then the sun rises on the West Coast and the calls start a-rolling in from the Boys and their wives and various lawyers and bartenders that Billy has given my number to.”

Billy does that a lot?

“Oh, they all do it a lot, but Billy’s the only one still hanging out at bars staffed by people who would use the number.”

Okay, you had some news for the Enthusiasts?

“Yes! We are very excited to be announcing that the Chicago shows–all three of them–will be simulcast via closed-circuit to selected premium theaters all across this great country; Heads can gather together and watch the Fare Thee Well shows larger-then-life with state-of-the-art sound, and other phrases held together with dashes. It’s going to be great!”

Y’know, you’re a dick.

“What?!?”

This is not exclusive: I read it on Jambase, like, seven hours ago.

“You do realize I’m not actually real, right? And that this is you making up both sides of the conversation?”

NEVERTHENONETHELESS, sir. You’re real to me.

“Yeah, right: that’s the problem I’m talking about.”

Can we continue?

“It’s entirely up to you, isn’t it?”

Yes. So: simulcast via closed-circuit to theaters, huh?

“Yeah.”

This is a concert in 2015, rather than a prize-fight in 1974, right?

“You’re quick to be snarky, but the Meetups at the Movies have been a consistent hit for the Dead.”

But, they show movies during those. That’s why they’re at movie theaters. Once, they showed something called The Grateful Dead Movie. They show them at movie theaters because they’re movies.

“Listen, man: Heads are communal-type folks–”

Actually, there now many Deadhead agoraphobes. Thank God for the internet.

“–and they’re going to want to celebrate together.”

Sure, yeah. At their Deadhead friend’s house. Or at the bar in town that has the Dead cover band every Thursday. Or in their backyard. Basically: anywhere that’s not an anonymous, antiseptic space society demands silence in.

“I disagree.”

Okay. Pete?

“Yeah?”

The Dead: they used to play one set or two?

“Two, obviously.”

And they’ll play two at Chicago?

“That’s a good bet, yeah.”

Bobby always used to say the thing: “We’ll be right back, don’t fall into the pit, takin’ a short break, etc.”

“Yeah.”

Was it ever a “short break?” Or was that a lie every single time? Because “short break” meant what, Peter?

How long was the set break, man?

“Depending on the night, it could range–”

Stop that: an hour. Those baboons would fuck around and get high and receive their tuggers and continue the Parcheesi game for an hour backstage, and there is no reason to think they’ve sped up as they’ve aged.

“A lot of theaters nowadays have multiple entertainment options.”

Are you talking about the arcade games in the lobby?

“The one where you hunt the deer is my favorite.”

Mine, too, but do you really think people are going to be happy to wander around a theater lobby creeping out the teenaged staff during the break? Or should we stay in our seats and read? This is a terrible idea.

“Fathom Events already paid for the rights. Check cleared.”

Great idea, Pete.

“Thanks.”

11 Comments

  1. I now think this is a worse idea than I did 7 hours ago and I didn’t think that was possible.

  2. Fornication Under The Consent of the King as it metaphorically relates to the restrictiveness of access to Fare Thee Well. Fuck my tix rejection letter. Fuck the fact that now we gotta go to a fucking movie theater for the simulcast. That could have been a great fucking option but fuck the fact it is now the only alternative (kings consent). What fuckery is it that MOST of the fans they are Faring Well won’t be able to go see the show. I had finally accepted I’d just pay-per-view the shit in a fun, relaxed, convenient manner, now I gotta choose to do it at a movie theater? That group won’t be a big fucking target. FUCK. Fucked up the last big-one. Love yer blog by the way, makes me chuckle daily.

    • That’s some good “fuck” right there, and thank you for the kind words.

      I shall fight this fuckery, for it is–as you stated–fuckery.

      I demand the right to watch the Grateful Dead (kinda) in my underwear!

  3. You really captured the essence of Shapiro, here. Well done.

  4. Ha! “Hey now, brother..” Exactly.

  5. Also likely: 10 a.m. EST: Conference call with Phil+ Jill Lesh. 1pm EST: Skype with Phil+Jill Lesh to reinforce early demands. 1:30 p.m. EST: Frantic call from Phil attempting to save face, integrity, masculinity and money (Jill’s breathing is very audible as she thinks she’s “muted” on the snooker room extension).
    I also just realized that if Phil, his wife and son Brian went into business of any sort together it’d be named -you guessed it- “P,B and J Inc/Productions/LLC/etc..”.

  6. D’oh!! “*earlier* demands”.

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