If there is a silver lining to the fact that we shall all very soon be violently drooling our liquified and rotting gall bladders out of our nostrils, it is this: the New York Football Giants were, before this weekend’s desultory and dispirited trip to Dallas, given a presentation on Ebola.
It is the end of practice and Coach Tom Coughlin calls his players in.
“C’mere, men. Bring it in. Take a knee. Knees all around. Everybody taken a knee? Jenkins, are you just sitting on your helmet? Dadgum it, Jenkins: take a knee.
“Men, the league’s asked me to say a few words about this Ebola thing. First off, November is now going to be Ebola Awareness Month, so grab your purple towels and cleats and whatnot after the meeting…
“So, listen: I’m no doctor and you’ve all been concussed as recently as this afternoon, so here it is in a way we can both understand it:
A CHALKBOARD APPEARS.
“So, here are the X’s: that’s us. But then we got the O’s and they’re Ebolas, got me? This O here? He’s a sweaty guy who works for Doctors Without Borders and just got back from Ghana. This O? It’s your cousin offering you a sandwich made from bat meat.
“Yes, even South American bat meat, Jenkins. Better safe than sorry. Can I just get through this, please? Thank you.
“Aside from that, I’ve been told, there is nothing to worry about, so I am going to ask everyone to curtail the Purell use. It is getting excessive and the footballs are getting slick.
“Also–and the rest of the coaches and I can’t stress this one enough–you cannot get Ebola from a toilet seat, so whoever is shitting in the hallway can stop it now.
“The ‘bola is located at just one hospital, men, so we’ll be avoiding that hospital and everything’ll be okay. In fact, we’re going to be avoiding all area hospitals and medical facilities in the area. Well, the state, if I’m honest. So if you’re hurt, we’re gonna put you in either a medically-induced coma or cryogenically freeze you: we haven’t decided yet, but you will be placed in some sort of suspended animation.
“The league has also sent a memo threatening harsh fines and suspensions for any player engaging in any sort of-and I’m quoting–‘Ebola-themed celebratory dance.’
“How the hell would I know, Jenkins? It would involve lying down, I guess. Some spasms.
“Okay, you know I like to end the week on a positive note, so Ray Lewis is going to scream at you for a while. Probably about Jesus, but who knows with Ray, y’know?”
“EBOLA AIN’T NO MATCH FOR THE LAWD!”