Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Rejected Olympic Sports

  • Armed Dressage, which combines riding fancy horses while shooting arrows at stuff
  • Frolf.
  • Whipping Wet Nerf Footballs At a Shirtless Fat Kid Until He Cries.
  • Lazer Tag. (They should absolutely play Lazer Tag in the Olympics, just to see how the Russians cheat at it. They would put tape on the sensors, and stick mirrors to themselves; it would be hilarious.)
  • Naked Pole Guy Vault.
  • Ancient Pentathlon. (Getting subjugated, inventing math, horse jumping, dying at age 40, mutton.)
  • Medieval Pentathlon. (Burying children, dying at age 30, horse jumping, enduring a small ice age, spelling “medieval” correctly.)
  • Future Pentathlon. (100 meter shazbot, robot horse jumping, 5-dimensional table tennis, , scalping mutant surface-dwellers, memes.)
  • Anathlon. (No events.)
  • Sand Polo. (The camels would not cooperate, and the swimmers had nothing to do.)
  • Balloon Volleyball, which was played once in the 1960 Rome games; the first point of the first set of the first match of the first game (West Germany vs. USSR) is still being played today, despite neither of the countries existing any more and most of the players having died.
  • Snorkelball. (It’s like European Handball, but snorkels are duct taped to the athletes’ faces, and the rules expressly permit jamming your thumb in opposing player’s snorkels to suffocate them. Olympic officials have been investigating for years whether or not this is a real sport, or just something an intern made up and inserted into the “Proposed Events” list because she was bored.)
  • Goodminton. (Like badminton, but moral and helpful.)
  • Fencing. (Not with swords. The other kind.)
  • Motorboating. (Not with boats. The other kind.)
  • Whale Hunting.
  • 100m Settlers of Cataan.
  • Dildo Javelin. (NBC is begging the IOC to make this an official event; in slow-motion, it’s possibly the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. More so if you put the right music under it, such as the Theme from Chariots of Fire.)
  • Emotional Hurdles.
  • Bocce. (Discontinued after someone kept pooping on the court.)
  • Pokemon Go.
  • 4×400 Human Centipede.


  1. Is this part of the campaign to have Croquet restored to Olympic competition? In the original Olympics, when Croquet was included, only France and Belgium entered, and a total of one spectator was attracted to the spectacle, leading to de-listing of the sport from the games. These days many more nations would be involved, and New Zealand would be a contender for a medal. Those of us who are no longer in the bloom of our youth would stand a chance. Further, Croquet is one of the few sports where males and females compete on an even footing. I think some of the current equestrian events also qualify, but currently practically every Olympic event unabashedly discriminates on the basis of sex, and old codgers are very rarely involved, except as lavishly feted officials. Sign the petition.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    August 5, 2016 at 2:33 am

    Goodminton…….hearty rasping guffaw this morning

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