Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Roam If You Want To

TotD would be remiss, at this point, not to further illuminate the Secret Hero of this story, John Mayer’s Earthroamer. Not as fast or racist as the General Lee, at least when Billy’s not in it, the Earthroamer is five tons of American freedom. Brings a tear to my eye how much freedom one can buy with three hundred grand.

The ‘roamer is built on a Ford F-550 heavy-duty cab, which is capable of towing 12,500 pounds. That’s almost five football fields! On top of this chassis is a one-piece hand-molded monocoque body; this not only stops leaks, but also allows you to amuse yourself during dull moments by saying “monocoque.”

As the Earthroamer is not some dreary RV, but an Elite Adventuring Vehicle & Aesthetic Statement™, power comes not from a rattling and polluting diesel, but instead from nine or ten other power sources. Honestly, go look at our website: we jammed every variety of engine and motor known to man into this damn thing. Biodiesel, hydrogen, solar cells, batteries, wind turbines on the roof, orgone collector, warp nacelles, and there’s an optional waterwheel so you can park by a river and let the current power your pornographies.

There is also a ladder attached to the side, so you can pretend you are a fireman.

Other options include:

  • Zombie Package. (Bulletproof windows, two hundred-gallon self-sealing gas tank, run-forever tires, chainsaw slats, the whole thing’s wrapped in barbed wire.)
  • Racing stripes of any color.
  • There is literally not one part on this vehicle that cannot be chromed at your command.
  • Seriously: you want a chrome steering wheel, you can have a chrome steering wheel.
  • Earthroamer isn’t McDonald’s; you can have it your way.
  • Which makes them like Burger King, I suppose.
  • Motorcycle lift.
  • Scooter hoist.
  • Little hook for your unicycle.
  • Swing-out outdoor kitchen.
  • Swing-out outdoor toilet. (People will complain, but if you’re buying one of these trucks, then you’re far too rich to worry about complaints until they’re attached to lawsuits, so if you want to make doodies outside, you can.)
  • Built-in dog crate with Easy-Remove™ interior.
  • An angry, one-eyed cat that doesn’t like driving at all and hates you in particular. (No one’s ever ordered that, but Earthroamer’s president, Jim Earthroamer IV, thinks that having it as an option shows the customer the lengths that the company will go to satisfy them.)
  • The Tour Package is a new concept catering to the small but wealthy pocket of rich kids on tour. Built-in dabbing station, multiple hidden air-tight compartments, plus every flat surface turns into a bed so it sleeps 15.
  • Glove compartment smeared with virulent strain of trichinosis. (That’s another one of Jim Earthroamer IV’s ideas, and I’m just gonna level with you here: the Earthroamer family does a lot of inter-breeding. In the RV world, it’s all about blood, so you can’t taint the line. His father was all right–great salesman–but Jimmy was born without shoulders and he’s not that smart and scared of lunch.)
  • Cup holders.

1 Comment

  1. That is possibly the most cluttered, poorly layed out, unreadable, obnoxious website I’ve ever seen.

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