Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Rules, Radicals

Every culture has its own inviolable rules of hospitality and that is a good thing. Each participant in the visit has certain responsibilities and roles to play, and in the knowledge of this, can relax and know that they may avoid disrespecting their host (and embarrassing themselves) simply by following the rules.

In Asian and Scandinavian countries, shoes must be removed before one enters a home. In Paraguay, though, the host and guest exchange shoes for the length of their time together. In Moldova, people just hit each other with their boots in the town square. (There is very little to do other than drink and inbreed in Moldova.)

In the West, it is natural and polite to compliment your host on his or her taste on home furnishing, even if the place looks like a meth lab. In Arab cultures, telling your host how much you like a painting will obligate him to make a gift of it to you, so if you’re ever at a party in Yemen, make sure you tell the guy who owns the place that everything looks like shit. He’ll thank you for it.

As there might be some of what might be called “Phish persons” making their way to the Farewell Shows, TotD has taken it upon himself to let our “phriends” (get it?) in on some of the things that might not fly at Soldier Field.

  • No throwing glowsticks. In fact, Soldier Field will be outfitted with an AEGIS-class targeting system to instantly triangulate the thrower of any glowstick hurled aloft, and then shoot that person in the asshole with a laser beam.
  • Leaning over to your neighbor and saying, “Phil would look a lot better with a Hermes scarf, dontcha think?” is not okay.
  • The drummers will both be wearing men’s clothes. They’re crazy, not weirdos.
  • Don’t bother Bill Walton. (This is actually for your own good. He will start telling stories about the time Coach Wooden taught him how to please a woman.)
  • Don’t touch Spinners. They’re a long story. Just don’t touch them.
  • Please conform to Deadhead bathroom protocol: at the urinals, peer over at your neighbor’s penis, and say “Tell you what, pardner: that shlong don’t have no mercy in this land, know’m saying?” And then he’ll be your friend.
  • If you are in the lady’s room, merely compliment the penis of the woman at the urinal next to you.
  • If Mickey throws you his towel, you have to give him your Coca-Cola. Those are the rules: I didn’t make them up.
  • Deadheads and cops–over years of coexistence–have developed this little game where hippies sprint at them, and try to steal their guns. Trust me: they love that game. Try it.
  • Molly’s adorable, but it’s a Dead show: take some acid like a grown-up. The only people who take molly by itself are Gaysians in speedos at EDM festivals.
  • Don’t be alarmed when Bobby starts to play slide guitar; it’s supposed to sound like that.
  • Leave your WOO’s at home. Not kidding on this one. Time and a place, junior, and this is neither. I don’t want to hear that syllable at all. Someone asks you your favorite Chinese action movie director, think up someone other than John Woo. A stranger wants to know which Tang it is no one’s supposed to fuck with? Walk away.


  1. Just curious: are you planning to go?

    Me? I want my youth back, dammit! No Jerry, no Winterland (not to mention young knees that could take standing for hours at a time) – forget it!

  2. I thought “Hell yes!” for a minute, then got ambivalent about it and probably am too late now. I’ve used the presence of Trey and the absence of MDJG to rationalize that ambivalence, but the reality is that I don’t have a lot of tolerance for the scene (Hippies? Pretend hippies? Festivals? A group of > 10 people under any circumstances?) these days.

    At the last Ratdog show I did, some drunk frat boy in Tevas kept stepping on my foot and calling me “brah” as an apology. I willed myself not to be the asshole who starts a fight at the Ratdog show, but it occurred to me that I’d have enjoyed myself more at home. I’ve got a nice set of Grados there and there’s never a line for the bathroom.

    On the other hand it’s (sorta) the last time around for the (sorta) Grateful Dead, and that’s something.

  3. If it’s any consolation, Drew, the most recent time I spoke with MK, he said he: “Doesn’t want to hear about this stuff anymore.” I’m assuming you guys know each-other as well. A “throw away” addy so we can have a quick chat about this shite: “” There’s just too much coincidence here.

  4. Anchovy Rancher

    January 22, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    Or not. Doesn’t matter.

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