Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Rules They Didn’t Have Room On The Sign For


  • No eye contact.
  • Billy will not sign boobies.
  • Nor tushees.
  • Obviously, he will sign no ding-dongs.
  • Billy will not acknowledge your vintage ’87 Spring Tour shirt you spent all afternoon deciding on.
  • Billy will also not do any impersonalized inscriptions, such as “Hey,”or “Go for it!”
  • If you sneeze, Billy will not say “Bless you.”
  • You may not touch Billy.
  • You may not appear as if you were about to touch Billy.
  • If you insist on speaking, these phrases are acceptable: “Thank you, Billy,” “You’re awesome, Billy,” or “Fuck Phil.”
  • Anyone who thinks they’re cute and asks to be punched in the dick will be punched in the dick.
  • By Benjy.
  • That’s the worst of all possible worlds.
  • No unposed photography.
  • No hidden-camera photography.
  • No kirlian photography.
  • Those massive wooden boxes with the bellows and the canvas shroud you ducked under are not allowed.
  • Especially if you have the sheaf with the gunpowder on top of it to use as a flash.
  • Although, that’s an awesome sound.
  • fla-SHWOOMPF.
  • Whatever: do not be bringing that nonsense up in here.
  • No x-ray photography.
  • Unless you brought enough lead aprons for everyone’s genitals.
  • No holding your empty hands up to your face like you have a camera and going, “Kah-Chik, that’s a good shot! Kah-Chik, another beauty!”
  • No motion pictures.
  • No motion capture. Seriously, do not even try to get Billy into one of those morph suits with the ping-pong balls all over it.
  • He reacts like a cat who doesn’t want to be bathed.
  • No high-fashion photography.
  • No trick photography.
  • None of that fake-Instagram-sepia bullshit.
  • No tintypes.
  • No calotypes.
  • No camera obscurae.

None of these rules, it should be noted, apply to Benjy Eisen. Feel free to pester him and shine bright lights in his eyes


  1. Shouldn’t they be rehearsing?

    • Oh, wow, only if they wanted it to be ummmm, good. The only notes that are important here are the ones that are already spent on tickets and the aftermarket. You still back in da utha century!

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