Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Ryan Lizza Receives Another Late Night Phone Call


“Huh? Yeah. Yeah? Who’s this? Jesus, it’s three in the morning.”


“Lizbian? You asleep, you little bitch? It’s your boy, The Mooch.”

“Is this gonna be a regular thing?”

“You see me whack Rinky-dink? I walked right up to him and POW the blood got all over my Harvard Law School suit. President Trump let me do it. We were in the office on Air Force One. President was laughing his ass off. Egging me on to make him cry.”

“Did he?”

“Fuhgetaboutit. Fuckin’ waterworks. Scabby little lip started trembling. Dude, my cock was so fuckin’ hard.”


“Air Force One got parachutes, y’know. I wanted to throw him out of the plane, but President Trump showed kindness. He is so kind. Oh, hey, don’t tell anyone I told you, but Jeff Sessions is next.”


“You know he has black kids?”

“Really? I mean: it makes sense, but I didn’t know that.”

“Five or six. Wouldn’t know it, but the man’s got a cock on him. Dude, Rinky-dink deflated. He fuckin’ deflated in front of me. Like a stabbed blimp with a weak chin. The Mooch is shakin’ things up!”

“You certainly are. Oh, hey, I’m sorry to hear about your wife filing for divorce.”

“Fuck her.”

“She’s the mother of your children.”

“Fuck them, too.”


“President Trump is my family now. Ah, marone! I shoulda gave Lumpy a Stone Cold Stunner. How funny would that’ve been?”

“Not funny at all.”

“Would’ve been to the president.”


“Here’s what The Mooch does: plugs up holes. White House is leaking? I’m plugging that hole. You cross the president and you got an asshole? I’m plugging that hole. You’re a hardbody intern with a pussy, or a mouth, or an asshole? I’m plugging all those holes.”

“You know I’m a reporter, right?’

“Dude, tell me who to fire next.”


“Pick a name that isn’t Trump or Kushner. Fuck it, who gives a shit, pick a name.”

“Mr. Scaramucci.”

“The Mooch!”

“I don’t want to pick a name for you to fire.”

“How about a cabinet member? Christ, I’d love to take down that walkin’ ballsack from Texas. What’s his name? The pillhead.”

“Rick Perry.”

“Done. He’s gone.”

“I didn’t tell you to fire Rick Perry.”

“No matter what time of day it is, President Trump smells wonderful.”

“I’m gonna hang up.”

“You got somebody in that bed with you, Lizbian? What’s his name? Ahhhh, I gotchoo. I’m kidding, you’re not a fag, fag.”

“Good night.”

“Dude, I know an after-hours spot.”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“You know Katy Tur’s number?”



  1. I honestly thought “whack Rinky Dink” meant something else for a minute, then I re-read.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    July 29, 2017 at 10:48 am


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