Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Sailing Down The River In An Old Canoe

river cruiser“I don’t even know what that is, Irving.”

“River cruiser.”

“It looks like a floating Motel 6.”

“There’s a jacuzzi! Bobby, I don’t understand: the Dead was known for experimentation.”

“Musical. In a transportational sense, we settled on private jets very early. In fact, most of us settled on them before we even had them.”

“You’re bordering on being racist towards boats, Bob. I won’t stand for that.”

“Irv, I love boats. They’re for hanging out and drinking beer on. This plan has many flaws, is all I’m saying.”

“I can’t see any, honestly.”

“How fast does that thing go?”

“Almost 15 knots. That’s a lot of knots. Couldn’t untie them.”

“That’s, like, 17 miles an hour.”

“Well, why do you think I said it in knots? I hoped you wouldn’t know.”

“Also, Irving, there is no way to get from Northern California to Boston via a boat. Unless you put it on a trailer and drive it there.”

“I think you’re mistaken.”

“What you’re talking about is the Northwest Passage.”

“I don’t know the exact route, Bob.”

“No: crossing North America via water is the Northwest Passage. It doesn’t exist. The Rockies get in the way.”

“Never know ’til you try, Bob.”

“Irving, are you running an illegal, high-stakes casino and people are paying you in stuff?”

“No, of course not.”

“No boat.”


  1. Around 1980-81, Dead booking agent Richard Loren presented a very serious plan in which the Dead would tour the Mississippi on a river boat, stopping at various points along the way (presumably to play concerts at every city in “Big River.”) This was mentioned by David Browne in his book.

    This was a real plan, but Jerry dismissed the whole idea, and Loren quit. Lost opportunites, ne’er to be seen again

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