Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Scotland Forever



“I’m the listener; you’re the sayer. Buckle up, friend: you’re on the phone with John Mayer.”

“Are you shitting me?”

“Hey, Katy.”

“Are you coming to rescue me or sitting around thinking up dumb stuff to say when you answer the phone?”

“I’m waiting for Bobby! He’s on his way! We’re coming. Are you okay?”

“The Scottish ninjas kidnapped me, John.”

“Really? What?”

“Well, as you remember, while I was flying on the ectochemical plane in a castle in England, I pushed the Brexit button by accident, causing the United Kingdom to leave the EU and cratering the world’s economy.”


“Tripping so hard you can talk to ghosts.”

“Right. Katy, you didn’t cause–”

“I DID. I totally did! And, I mean: my bad. But it was an accident. I thought a Brexit was a cookie.”

“So you thought there was a cookie button?”

“It was a castle, John. There are secret passages and archer’s loops. Maybe there are cookie buttons.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“But the Scottish people got mad and they sent ninjas. The Scottish ninjas kidnapped me, John.”

“Are you okay?”

“Kind of.”

katy perry guitar tartan

“The Scottish ninjas and I formed a punk band.”


“They turned out to be rad as hell. I mean, they kidnapped me and killed some of my entourage, but that’s just because they’re hardcore.”


“Scottish ninjas are awesome, John.”


“They have big red beards.”


“Can you even grow a beard?”

“Do you need to be rescued or not?”

“Yes, but not until Monday.”


“We’re playing Glastonbury.”


“Katy, that’s Bobby. You sound fine. Should I tell him not to bother?”

“Oh, I would prefer you came and rescued me.”

“Your situation sounds tolerable.”

“For now, but the Scottish ninjas are selling me on Tuesday.”

“What? To who?”

“There’s gonna be an auction.”

“We’re on our way. Wait. What happened to Dr. Gary?”

“You mean the disgraced–”

“Everyone knows who he is!”

“–Nobel laureate…okay, okay. Oh! He is missing, John!”

“No. He’s behind all of this.”

“Oh, no.”

“I’m sure, Katy.”

“How can you know?”

“I read ahead.”


1 Comment

  1. Am I just hungry or does “scottish Ninja” sound like a pastry of some sort ?

    Something to serve with Tea?

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