Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Secret, Asian

elvis-kim-2

“ATTENTION, ER’RYBODY. AH AM ALIVE AND STILL VERY HANDSOME AN’ TALENTED. ALSO, AH HAVE DEFECTED TO NORTH KOREA–”

“Only Korea.”

“–VOLUNTAR’LY AN’ OF MAH OWN FREE WILL AN’ ALL THAT.”

Oh, thank God. You’re alive.

“Course I alive.”

Not you.

“AH HAVE PERSEVERED THROUGH MY BONDAGE, MUCH LIKE THE JEWS IN ANCIENT EGYPT.”

Wow, very thematic seeing as how you’re in the King Tut suite of the Luxor Hotel in Vegas, which Katy Perry owns.

“GOOD WORK, BOY. AH’M ELVIS GODDAMNED PRESLEY, AND THIS FISHHEAD SUMBITCH GOT A NUKE. WE AIN’T DOIN’ NO EXPOSITION.”

Sure. Speaking of that nuke: how’s it doing?

“BETTER.”

Better? That implies that it was worse at some point. What happened to the nuclear device?

“MAH ILLITERATE, DROOPY-BALLED, DEADBEAT FARTFUCKER OF A DADDY–”

Vernon.

“–MISTOOK THAT THERE DEVICE FOR SOME OTHER FORM O’ DEVICE. AH CANNOT ATTEST TO SPECIFICS, BUT THE CATEGORY WAS ‘THAT WHICH LOVE MAY BE SHARED WITH.'”

Holy shit.

“Hillbilly daddy fuck nuke. My daddy invent nuke. My daddy better.”

Holy shit.

“HEY MAN. ISS A PARTY.”

No, it isn’t! You’ve been kidnapped!

“SAME THING, MAN.”

Any chance you two can not set off the fission device for five minutes?

“THERE’S A CHANCE OF A LOTTA STUFF HAPPENIN’.”

“Nuke probably no go off. ‘No go off’ is smart money.”

Kim Jong-Un, may I speak to the King alone for just one moment?

“Absolutely no.”

“FATTY, YOU TELL THE KING WHAT HE CAN AND CANNOT DO ONE MORE TIME AN’ AH’LL SHOOT YOU WITH KARATE! AH WILL SPEAK WITH WHOM I AM PLEASING TO SPEAK UNTO WITH.”

“WHATCHU WANT, BOY?

King, can we talk just between you and me?

elvis-sideeye-press-conference

“GO ON.”

What’s happening here?

“AH ALLOWED MAHSELF TO BE CAPTURED AND KIDNAPPED AND FORCIBLY DEFECTED, OF COURSE.”

Of course.

“AH WAS UNDERCOVER! AH HAD A BADGE FOR IT AN’ EVERYTHING!”

Shouldn’t an undercover agent not have a badge? Y’know what: forget I asked. Let’s move past it.

“AH INFILTRATED THE KING TUT SUITE WHERE THE DEVICE WAS LOCATED AN’ WAS ABOUT TO TAKE POSSESSION OF IT!”

Lemme guess what happened.

“WHEN MY WEBBED-TOED, CHICKEN-STEALING, SYPHILITIC BATHTUB RING OF A BUMPKIN DADDY–”

Vernon.

“–MADE HIS LOVE, HE DONE PUT A CRIMP IN MAH PLANS.”

Why?

“THEY DONE MOVED THE BOMB TO ANOTHER ROOM.”

And that’s defeating you?

“AH LOOKED IN TWO PLACES, BUT IT WAS NOT THERE, AND I BECAME DISTRACTED BY MY ILLNESSES, WHICH NEEDED MEDICATING.”

Great.

“TH’ TASK HAS BEEN ASSIGNED TO THE MEMPHIS MAFIA, THO AH WOULD EXPECT VERY LITTLE.”

Why?

“THEM BOYS IS DUMB AS A BOXFUL O’ DICKS.”

Great.

2 Comments

  1. I’m just going to leave this here.

  2. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    September 28, 2016 at 9:22 am

    That is a nice photoshopping job of swapping what’s his name with Elvis!

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