Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Seriously, Knock This Off

tumblr_nr2k3w2Fmq1qbhkuuo1_500I’m sorry, John Mayer. Regardless of whether or not a guy looks like Isaac Mizrahi circa 1996, he should still be able to boogie down to a semi-defunct choogly-type band in peace without everyone getting creepshots taken of him.

“I appreciate that, man. I mean, you might have lived up to your beliefs by not posting literally every single photo you found, but them’s the breaks, right?”

Good way to look at things.

“What are you listening to? Checking out the shows again?”

What?

“Listening to? What show are you listening to?”

12/13/75. Good stuff.

“There was no 12/13/75 show.”

No?

“There were four shows that year and none of them were anywhere near December 13th.

Huh.

“Are you still listening to Elvis?

ELVIS KING! HI-YAA!

CRACK.

SLUMP.

DEATH RATTLE.

YOU HAVE SUMMONED THE KING ONCE AGAIN!

Godammit.

WHASS GOIN’ ON AROUND HERE? BIG OL’ HIPPIE PARTY, LOOKS LIKE.

Hey, King.

THE KING HAS QUESTIONED YOU AND HAS LITTLE TIME FOR PLEASANTRIES.

Fine. It’s the Dead’s 50th anniversary and they’re doing some shows. Did you kill John Mayer?

AH KILLED HIM WITH KARATE, YES.

You probably shouldn’t have.

NO MAN CAN CHANGE THE PAST, NOT EVEN THE KING. NOW TELL THE KING ABOUT THE HIPPIE PARTY.

It’s a good time, Elvis. Band’s playing well and everyone’s all smiley and happy and it’s the Fourth of July.

THIS IS THE KING’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

It’s a good one. None of the religious or family obligations of the other ones.

PLUS IT IS ABOUT AMERICA, WHERE JESUS WAS BORN AND RAISED AND RACED NASCAR. JULY FOURTH IS THE BIRTHDAY OF BALD EAGLES WITH ROCKET LAUNCHERS FOR DICKS.

I like that.

IT IS OUR DAY AND WE CELEBRATE OURSELVES. AND TO CELEBRATE AMERICA IS TO CELEBRATE ELVIS. THE KING LIVES ON IN THE SMOKEY MOUNTAINS AND IN THE RAIN THAT DOES NOT FALL IN CALIFORNIA. ELVIS IS THE ‘OOH’ THAT GREETS THE RISING FIREWORK AND THE ‘AHH’ THAT SEE ITS BIRTH AND DEATH.

Keep talking, King.

EACH STAR ON THE FLAG IS A BADGE IN THE KING’S COLLECTION OF POLICE TRINKETS. EACH STRIPE IS A FRINGE FROM THE KING’S JUMPSUIT, SWIRLING SEXILY AS HE DOES THE KARATE THAT IS FREEDOM AND THE JUDO THAT IS LIBERTY.

Uh-huh.

AMERICA WILL NEVER HAVE NO MONARCHY; IT WILL ALWAYS HAVE A KING.

I like you.

COURSE YOU DO: I’M ELVIS. SHOW THIS LOVELY AUDIENCE WHAT YOU LISTENING TO. LET ‘EM BATHE IN THE KING, AS WELL. CAN’T KEEP ELVIS TO YOURSELF, BROTHER.

Gotta pass you around like a doobie, King?

DON’T BE MAKING NO DRUG JOKES ‘ROUND ME, BOY. ELVIS IS ANTI-DRUGS. NO DRUGS FOR THE KING.

Sure, Elvis.

8 Comments

  1. Morning Douche

    July 10, 2015 at 9:44 am

    Btw, it’s raining in CA today. Thanks for that.

  2. Elvis sure yells a lot

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