Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Seriously, Why Is There An Exclamation Point?


“Don’t yell, sir. We’re on vacation.”

“Vacation is the place for yelling! How else will the natives understand me? BOY! BRING-O ME MORE BLACK-O LABEL! See? He’s scampering off for my cocktail.”

“Pretty sure he speaks English, sir.”

“High-volume English, Jenkins. If you just spoke to him like he was a real person, he’d blink at you and scuffle his be-sandalled feet. No, no. When it comes to foreigners, the only language they understand is shouting.”


“And bombing. Sometimes, you have to bomb foreigners.”


“It’s what they’re for.”

“Are you through?”

“Yes. With my scotch. Where’s that damned boy?”

“I’m sure he’s on his way back.”

“Service was better when you were allowed to beat the help. That’s just a fact.”

“Sir, we do have just a tiny bit of work to do.”

“I already delivered the note from that Zimmerman fellow.”

“Not that, sir. The poster.”

“Poster! Oh, God, not now. Also now ever, but especially not now.”

“Time is of the essence, sir.”

“I suppose we should give these stooges something to spend their money on.”

“Yes, sir.”

“They did just spend seven grand to hear a tribute band.”

“True, sir.”

“It’s like they hate their money. We should start a pyramid scheme here.”

“No, sir.”

“Ponzi scheme?”

“No, sir.”

“Sunshine Dayscheme?”

“What is that, sir?”

“It’s a Ponzi scheme, but we name it after some Dead bullshit so these tie-dyed dum-dums give us more cash.”

“Let’s not defraud the audience, sir. That’s James Perse’s job.”

“Dammit, Jenkins! I get the punchlines!”

“Sorry, sir. The poster?”

“Poster! I suppose we need some Mexicana.”

“Yes, sir. How much?”

“Not too much. Less tacqueria, more Taco Bell.”

“Got it. Not very Mexican at all.”

“Big hat.”


“Have the bears be shoeless and selling Chiclets.”

“No, sir.”

“Plaid shirts with only the top button done.”

“No, sir.”

“Fine, fine. Just have them taking American bears’ jobs.”

“How about they just frolic in the sand, sir?”

“Fine, frolic, whatever. And then put the name of whatever this sun-soaked stroke-off is called at the bottom.”

“Playing in the Sand, sir.”

“And put an exclamation point after it.”


“So the natives will be able to read it.”

“You brought it back around, sir.”

“I did.”


  1. And the gold medal for unintentional parody goes to…that poster.

    Jon Weiner, Stugotz on ESPN’s The Dan Lebatard Show, self proclaimed Deadhead attended last weekend.

    Over two shows he and LeBatard referred to DeadCo as the Grateful Dead at least 12 times.

    If Twitter is any indication not really a big deal…oh and Josh is better than Jerry apparently.

  2. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    February 22, 2018 at 12:47 pm

    That’s because w/o the “!”, it sounds boring. Right, “Jenkins!”???

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