Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

She Comes Back To Tell Me He’s Gone

“WHERE’D THAT HAIRY GARCIA GO? AH JUST SAW HIM.”

He left the building, Elvis.

“THASS MAH ROUTINE! NO ONE ELSE MAY LEAVE BUILDINGS!”

I don’t know what to tell you.

“RETRIEVE HIM. BRING HIM BEFORE HIS KING, SO AH C’N KARATE HIM.”

Don’t karate anyone, King.

“IF HE IS INJURED, AH WILL HAVE DR. NICK ATTEND TO HIM.”

Holy shit, do not introduce Dr. Nick to Garcia.

“THE FACT REMAINS THAT HAIRY GARCIA WAS IN MY HOME, AND AH WAS NOT ALERTED. JOE ESPOSITO WILL BE FIRED FOR THIS AFFRONT.”

Why him?

“EVERY YEAR ON HIS BIRTHDAY, AH BUY JOE ESPOSITO A NEW CADILLAC AND TELL HIM ‘IF THE GRATEFUL DEAD SHOWS UP, THEN YOU COME GET ME EVEN IF AH’M DEAD.'”

Oh. Well, yeah: you have to fire him.

“HE HAD ONE JOB.”

What happens if a Rolling Stone shows up?

“RED WEST ALERTS ME. HIS BROTHER SONNY IS ON BEATLE DUTY. AH HAVE A SYSTEM.”

You’ve really thought this through.

“AH AM THE KING.”

You really are.

“THIS IS AN EMBARRASSMENT TO ME. WAS HAIRY GARCIA TREATED AS A GUEST IN MAH HOME SHOULD BE TREATED? WAS HE OFFERED REFRESHMENTS, SUCH AS A POUND OF BACON OR A HALF-DOZEN NEMBUTAL?”

Neither of those things are refreshments. Consuming either would make you feel the exact opposite of refreshed.

“WERE MAH BEAUTIFUL POSSESSIONS SHOWN TO HIM?”

He probably wouldn’t have been into that.

“MOST OF MAH POSSESSIONS ARE GUNS AND COMIC BOOKS.”

I take it back: Garcia would have loved that.

“AH KNEW IT! DAMN YOU, JOE ESPOSITO.”

Sorry, King.

“AH WILL KARATE WITH HAIRY GARCIA. IT IS MAH DESTINY. MANY GYPSIES HAVE PREDICTED THIS EVENT AFTER AH MENTIONED TO THEM THAT AH WANTED TO DO IT.”

Shocker.

“AH MUST REACH OUT TO THESE GRATEFUL DEADS. WHO CAN AH EMPLOY AS A GO-BETWEEN THAT KNOWS BOTH ME AND THEM?”

Oh, there’s Ronnie Tutt and Mrs. Donna–

“AH KNOW WHO AH WILL CALL.”

No, not her.

“I got your text, Elvis. I’m here to help, and be part of a storyline to warm up for Summer Tour.”

“WELCOME TO GRACELAND, MIZ KATYDOODLE. MAY AH OFFER YOU FRIED CHICKEN AND BARBITURATES?”

“I’m on a diet: just the pills, please.”

Dammit.

4 Comments

  1. Katy Perry Prison?

  2. What if it was Elvis’ twin brother Jesse, who had not actually died at birth, but in fact had been given to a relative for raisin’?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*