CELL PHONE NOISE
“Mr. on the Dead? This is medicine calling.”
Didn’t I talk to you last year?
“I do not know. The doctor stopped keeping records after the last lawsuit.”
“Lawyers and doctors, Mr. on the Dead. They are like draculas and werewolfs. Always fussing and feuding.”
“I am calling to inform you about what you need to for your procedure. Isn’t that a nice word, ‘procedure?'”
“It hides all the mistakes. It’s like saying ‘collateral damage’ when you really mean ‘we set a wedding on fire by accident.'”
It’s really not a big deal. Just a tube down my throat.
“Gooses have tubes down their throat, too, and then they are turned into appetizers for rich people. So many things can go wrong!”
You’re not inspiring confidence.
“Do you have a living will?”
“We had four living Wills last week, but then the doctor relapsed and we only had two living Wills.”
Please be professional.
“What kind of name is ‘on the Dead?’ Is that Sardinian?”
I am not from Sardinia.
If you must know, I’m Jewish.
Why is that good?
“The doctor is very racist.”
“Not towards you, though.”
“Mostly Puerto Ricans. I see them coming in here and I scream at them with my eyes. ‘YOU GONNA DIE!’ They never take my hint. Are you allergic to penicillin?”
Why would that matter?
“The doctor requires a therapy dog for his performance-related anxiety. He gets so nervous!”
The doctor or the dog?’
“Both! The dog has a therapy cat.”
I’m not allergic to anything.
“What social media would you like your procedure to be streamed on?”
“None is not a choice, Mr. on the Dead. Facebook, Periscope, or Snapchat. If your answer is Snapchat, then I will need to know your preferred filter.”
You may not livestream my procedure.
“How is your credit?”
“The doctor likes to steal his patients’ identities.”
“Sir, you know that you are in South Florida. Everyone here is an identity thief.”
“Well, you should get with the program.”
“Just remind me: which kidney is being taken out?”
None! Neither! No one should be anywhere near my kidneys.
“I’m sorry. Let me rephrase that: if you had to have a kidney taken out, which one would it be?”
“Would you like to be shaved by a nurse, or can you clean up your own nethers?’
Nothing about this requires shaving of any sort.
“Would you like to have your KISS makeup applied by a nurse, or can you do it yourself?”
I can do it myself.
“Thank you for finally being cooperative. Have you eaten in the past month?”
“Oh, you might die.”
“Exactly. You should be talking to Him. Why would you eat?”
I was hungry.
“You should control your base emotions, Mr. on the Dead. You are like an animal. Maybe you should go to a veterinarian.”
Obamacare doesn’t cover it.
“Starting at midnight before the procedure, you can only have primary colored beverages.”
“Orange juice, V8, windshield wiper fluid.”
What about water?
“People drown in it!”
I meant: can I drink it?
“I do not understand why you would. That is where sharks make their love.”
I have a Brita filter.
“Do not lord your wealth over me, sir.”
I am not wealthy.
“No, you blew all your money on your fancy water filtration system. You do understand that you will be under general anesthetic?”
“Please do not bring anything back with you from the Dark Dimensions.”
I’ll try not to.
“Are you a furry, sir?”
“Do not be showing up here in a mascot costume and a hard-on.”
“One last question.”
Oh, thank God.
“The doctor would like to know who you voted for.”
I voted for whomever the doctor voted for.
“That is so odd. Everyone says that, but yet Jill Stein received so few votes.”
It’s a mystery.
“Okay, Mr. on the Dead. We will see you soon, and then you’ll be right back on your feet. Or you will die on the table and someone else will be on your feet.”
I’m hanging up.
“Have a blessed day.”