Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Shooting A Lion

Start with facts: humans can–

Strike that, if we’re talking about facts.

The people reading this can no longer provide any moral, physical, or medical defense for eating meat. There’s a lot of suckers out there as we speak blowgunning curare-tipped darts into monkeys and I am not speaking about them. I just want to get the sociopolitical thing out of the way. If you live a four thousand miles from a supermarket, then you may blowgun monkeys without my approval.

I’m talking about us. The smart ones who made the decision to be not be born the ninth child of the family in a country that has an AK47 on the flag. (Look it up.)

We can get all the nutrients and protein we ever need without one creature dying. Soy, nuts, legumes, and other food can make up for the absence of meat. Protein is protein, and therefore a steak is the exact same thing as whatever a legume is. (I do not know, and every time I call 911 to ask, things turn ugly.) Meat, and the associated damage to the health of both the planet and the individual comsuming it, could be eliminated with no true damage to society.

This is a fact, and facts cannot be disagreed with. They can, however, be violently opposed. God help us all when Obama’s Gay Marijuanatroopers come for my pork chops, for I shall become enraged.

That animals are tasty–a specific and mostly culturally-influenced subset, at least–is a shitty argument for the massive fuckery the meat industry levies on the world, but it seems to be the one we’re going with. We want it, and to get it we will allow absolute atrocities to exist. PETA got in a lot of trouble for comparing chickens to the Holocaust, but have you ever seen a commercial chicken plant? At least some good novels came out of the Holocaust.

This said, I come to my point: if you eat meat, then you have no grounds on which to criticize hunting save for aesthetic or class-based snobbery. You can think that hunters are yahoos or gun nuts or hicks, but that’s just a roundabout way of telling the world you’re an asshole. You can take umbrage at the uncouth deer hunter, but then you’re just showing yourself as ignorant because all that hunting bullshit is expensive as hell.

(The sporting-goods stores down here are different from the ones in Jersey: they sell hunting blinds and hunting kayaks and all-weather hunting ponchos. occasionally, I will be in tone of these stores and daydream about being a hunter and even in my daydreams, I am completely unsuited for the outdoors and end up bleeding to death from an accidental arrow to the foot 200 yards from my car.)

Hunting may well be wrong, but only in the larger wrongness of eating meat in the first place.

Shooting lions, though, is wrong and if I start writing about how wrong, then I will work myself up and I have a big presentation at work tomorrow. This is our last chance to clinch the Jenkins account and my job’s riding on it. Also, I’m planning to propose to the boss’ daughter. But–and here’s the absolutely fun part–I don’t actually work there. And I’m a walrus.

No. Not this again.


Anyway: wanna shoot something? Shoot these things instead of lions:

  • Pumpkins with explosives stuffed in them.
  • Watermelon, also with explosives stuffed in them.
  • Old Yeller.
  • Hans Gruber.
  • Deer.
  • And, you know: sorry, deer.
  • But you can shoot the fuck out of deer: guns, arrows, whatever.
  • Those terrifying feral hogs all over the South: holy Mother of Sinbad, shoot those fucking things.
  • But you need to use a big gun.
  • 22’s gonna piss it off, and a feral hog will straight-up eat you.
  • Don’t limit yourself to just guns with those monsterhogs: claymore mines and trip-wires are fine with me.
  • Womprats.
  • Any sort of target.
  • You could have literally any image ever created turned into a target and shoot at that.
  • Probably should choose carefully, because that’s the sort of decision that leads to the authorities visiting.
  • “Whaddya mean, ya can’t shoot at the president with Hitler’s mustache drawn on him?”
  • Depending on your cultural norms and which warlord you swear fealty to, perhaps you could shoot into the air in the middle of town?
  • Nazis. (Always a good choice.)
  • Robots. (Also good.)
  • Soviets. (This is a maybe. Depends, really.)
  • Zombies. (Perfectly fine, but it’s just enough already with the zombies. We get it, zombies.)
  • Oh, wait: you can shoot lions, but they have to be the Ghost and the Darkness, from the movie.
  • That was a true story, and no matter how much Val Kilmer and Michael Douglas waved their Great White Dicks at each other in the movie, it can;t detract from the reality of the nightmare: those two cats ate over hundred people.
  • They had acquired a taste for person.
  • You can shoot those lions, absolutely.
  • Tin cans are good to shoot at when you have a scene with a lot of talking: there’s still some visuals going on, plus you can reveal character through their choices in shot and outcomes of said shots while the exposition gets out of the way.
  • That’s just screenwriting 101, people.
  • If you are told not to shoot until you see the whites of their eyes, and then you see the white of their eyes, then you may shoot.
  • Certain birds may be shot.
  • Ducks, doves, squab, whatever Dick Cheney was trying to kill when he shot his friend in the face.
  • Best part about that was that the friend went on TV and apologized to Dick Cheney.
  • For getting in the way of his bullets, I guess.
  • Can you shoot geese?
  • You should be able to.
  • Wild turkeys may be shot.
  • Wild Turkey may be shots.
  • Hee hee.
  • I am guessing that the majority of birds are off-limits to hunters: you can’t hunt hawks or falcons because hawks and falcons are themselves used to hunt.
  • That’s a rule.
  • Besides being illegal, shooting a bald eagle would be bad.
  • You think people are mad about that lion?
  • Shooting penguins is both illegal and difficult.
  • Penguins live far away.
  • But even if they didn’t and one wandered into your yard: do not shoot penguins.

To sum up: white people need to stop going to Africa to shoot things. End of discussion.


  1. Wait: do you eat meat, or not?

  2. Kinda reminded of this RN

    Ok I’m going 2 bed but before I do so I’d like to formally state that I LOVE MEAT!!!!!! A LOT!!!! ITS DELICIOUS AND I WILL ACTUALLY APOLOGIZE FOR EATING IT tho. I buy locally sourced meat and eggs too (not that it makes much of a difference?) and I eat lots of veggies to balance it out


  3. Only tangentially related, have you seen this bumper sticker:

    Love people. Cook them tasty food.

    I always want to repunctuate it to say:

    Love people. Cook them; tasty food!

  4. Wait, he didn’t eat the lion did he? What’s the big deal?

    • No, he didn’t, which I believe is the big deal.

    • He did it for fun. It was a beloved lion and he shouldn’t have killed it. There are some animals which we’ve domesticated and should eat, and there are others that should be left alone. This guy didn’t need to kill the lion; it’s not like he was desperate for food.i dunno lol

  5. All of this is why I heartily welcome the coming lab-grown meat revolution. I’ll shove petri-dish steaks into my mouth until the cows come home (from the slaughterhouse, where they will no longer be needed).

    People are all “Ew, lab-grown meat,” and I’m all “Shut the hell up, it’s going to be exactly the same. Get over yourself.”*

    *Note: this has never actually happened as a conversation because I don’t have conversations with real people, and if I did, they wouldn’t be about lab-grown meat, but awesome bitching things like motorcycles and freedom.

  6. favorite bumper sticker: If god intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?

  7. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    July 30, 2015 at 6:21 pm

  8. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    July 30, 2015 at 6:25 pm

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