Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Signin’

“What’s your name, boy?”

“My name is Timmy, Mr. Davis.”

“Fuck you, Timmy. I’m gonna make this out to Opie, cause you’re an Opie-looking motherfucker.”

Please be nice to children.

“Fuck children. They don’t buy records and you can’t fuck them. No use at all.”

They’re not supposed to be useful.

“Me and Brando used to hang out.”

You never actually listen to me, do you?

“Knew him for a while. Back when he wasn’t so fucking fat. Always a slob, though. Used to go over his apartment. Pizza boxes and shit all over the place. Be wearing that white tee-shirt from the movies. Think he stole it off the set cause he’s the cheapest motherfucker you ever met. Got his tee-shirt on and no drawers. Dick hanging out. Then he’d start trying to make me eggs. Motherfucker’s cracking eggs and his dick’s flopping into the fucking pan.”

Did you have the eggs?

“I ain’t eating dick eggs, motherfucker.”

Figured.

“Always been very particular about my food. Like it a certain way. Frances knew how to make my food.”

Your first wife.

“Yeah. Cooked real good. Not too heavy on the spices. Gotta have a little bit. Can’t be eating that bland white shit. You know white people just boil a chicken and eat that shit?”

I do, yes.

“Fuck is wrong with you people?”

A lot.

“Gotta have some flavor, but just a bit. Can’t be playing trumpet with a heavy stomach. Burping into your horn and shit. Not right. I fired Steve Grossman for that shit.”

Could Cecily Tyson cook the way you liked?

“She could order the shit I liked from room service. That’s about it.”

“Mr. Davis, may I have your autograph, please?”

“That’s nice. Respectful. What’s your name, white boy?”

“Bobby, sir.”

“You look familiar.”

“Yeah, uh, we shared a bill two years ago when I was 22.”

“What the fuck is happening?”

“Well, it’s sort of a floating timeline around here. Are you, uh, familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?”

BANG!

“Next motherfucker that asks me that stupid bullshit is getting shot!”

Please don’t shoot the children, Mr. Davis.

“I shoot whoever the fuck I want.”

Bobby, just run.

“I want my autograph.”

12 Comments

  1. Tor Haxson

    Nice !!!

  2. John Stallings @JohnStalkin

    Still @ it? Well… I’m Uncle John and “…there ain’t no time for hate…”~G⚡D~ Ever heard that before anywhere? U need to get back to “Thoughts on the Dead” + stop with the HATE mongering brah! Just saying. ☮️

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      COTD.

      Everyone else can just stop commenting because John is the best Commentator.

      • Murray

        More Euthanasist than Enthusiast, is our Emoji John.

    • SmokingLeather

      Bobby’s in this one. Didn’t you read it?

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      I am not ashamed to say I searched the index of Miles’ autobiography for “Davis, Miles: Food and,”

      Not there, but there was an entry on cooking.

    • ste4ve

      Recipe has some exacting proportions:
      1 drop red wine vinegar
      3 lb. spaghetti

  3. ste4ve

    Loving the Miles riff. Not to be a, er, dick, but it’s “Cicely.”

  4. ChadB

    I think Miles is hilarious. It’s my favorite part of the semi-fictional time line right now.

  5. Luther Von Baconson

    Dead Musician Chili Cook-Off
    http://www.cookingwithjule.com/Warren_Zevon_Chile_Recipe.htm

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