CELL PHONE NOISE
CELL PHONE NOISE
“This is Gaga.”
“Where are you?”
“Katydoodle?”
“Why does everyone call me that?”
“Because you’re powerful, but fun. The Lady Gaga believes in you, Katy, and she’s on her way.”
“You’re still at the supermarket reading the same magazine! No one is helping me, and if you’re going to be as crazy as the rest of them, then I don’t need your help.”
“No, Katy. Gaga will help. Gaga is coming.”
“Gaga is here.”
“Wow.”
“I told you I knew a shortcut.”
“Still.”
“How are you, Katy? Tell Gaga everything, so a plan may be formulated, and a design language created, and a look book assembled, and Swedish producers hired, and clothes made.”
“Can I be honest?”
“You must! Otherwise, Gaga will sense it, and grow displeased.”
“Um, you know I’m an Ancient Egyptian god, right?”
“I am Gaga.”
“Oh, yeah. Okay, so: things are not good.”
“I’m just having a rough time here, Gaga!”
“You have been left alone.”
“Yes.”
“By men.”
“Yes!”
“To clean up problems caused by men.”
“YES!”
“There is only one solution, Katydoodle–”
“You can totally call me that.”
“–and it is this: we must assemble the Divas.”
…
“Oohhhhh. I don’t know about that. It always ends up causing more destruction than it was supposed to stop. Divas are like wolverines, Gaga. One at a time.”
“Katy, listen to Gaga. What is happening right now in the King Tut suite? As we speak?”
“YOU STEP INSIDE MAH DOJO, YOU STEP INSIDE A WORLD OF PAIN!”
“This not your dojo, hillbilly! It my hotel room!”
…
“Well, Katy?”
“Nothing productive is happening in the King Tut suite. Also–”
“The nuke is missing.”
“–the nuke is missing.”
“And who has absconded with the nuclear device?”
“I have no idea, but Doctor Gary stole it.”
“And who caused this entire problem in the first place by luring Kim Jong-Un to Las Vegas and flaking?”
“John Mayer.”
“Gaga, too, likes them tall and douchey, Katy. But you have let these men run rampant over your power, and all the magic here is very penis-based. It needs to be counteracted with feminine wiles.”
“Ooh, battle of the sexes.”
“Genders, Katy. Get woke.”
“Sorry, Gaga.”
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
“I wasn’t expecting anyone.”
“Katy, where exactly are we?”
“Don’t worry about it. Yes?”
“Miss Katy, I’m C. Mickodemus Hart and my army has rode in from Manassas to assist you in putting down the Coolie rebellion.”
DOOR SLAMMING NOISE
“You’re right, Gaga. We need women.”
“Girl power, motherfucker.”
“Assemble the Divas!”
Hmm.
Please tell me Miss Donna Jean will be involved..
Please….
Not a Diva in the classical sense, but she can hold her own in any group.
Please…