Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Sixteen Reasons Why Trixie Is Your New Queen

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  • She always looks juuuust a little disgusted by Deadheads, and good for her.
  • Due to her superhuman lung capacity, Trixie has entertained parties for years by blowing up a hot-water bottle until it explodes.
  • Taller than I thought.
  • Although that guy does have a short-guy vibe to him.
  • If we had a person with a known height standing a known distance from the camera in the shot, then we would have our answer.
  • That’s kinda how we figure out how far away stars are, actually.
  • I mean, let’s assume the guy isn’t freakishly small: let’s peg him at normal short-guy height, like 5’5″.
  • That would make Trixie an easy 5’9″.
  • I’m sorry, I may have swooned a little.
  • Someone fetch TotD a shandy and someone to loosen my corset.
  • She knew Tupac and will tell you stories about him; if you get her drunk, she will tell you where Tupac is because Tupac is still alive.
  • Has never murdered anyone who made a “Touch of Grey” joke about her hair, even though she wants to every single time.
  • No joke: this woman’s complete and seemingly genetic lack of ability to fake a smile is beautiful.
  • Trixie gets the dank.
  • Probably also a deep discount.
  • Eyebrows on fleek.
  • Both Garcia and Mountain Girl also had eyebrows of a high fleek quotient, but they didn’t have the concept of fleek back then.
  • Also, if you had told Garcia that his eyebrows were on fleek, Parish would have punched you.
  • Just on general principle.
  • Does Parish serve Trixie now?
  • I am assuming ownership of Parish passed to Garcia’s estate.
  • Trixie does a lot of public stuff, and people can suck, so I hope she got Parish.
  • Or at least a Parish.
  • Trixie does not have a Benjy.

47 Comments

  1. spencer

    Was El Compadre busy today?

  2. Dewtherightthing

    Sorry….what is fleek? And why didn’t Shapiro call you? Always wondered that…..

    • thoughtsonthedead

      Swaggie Maggie will explain fleek to you.

      As to Shapiro: who knows, man?

      • Dewtherightthing

        Thanks Maggie for the explanation….is unibrow fleek? If So I am in! and I paged Pete….he should be texting you anytime now about mailing in your commerative ticket for a four dollar refund…and doing an ama on your blog

        • thoughtsonthedead

          The man will never step in the ring: he is afeared of me.

    • maggiemay

      http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=on+fleek

      What is on fleek?

      Zayn fucking Malik is on fleek.

    • maggiemay

      Disclaimer: I do not actually think Zayn Malik is on fleek. Sure, he looks like a fucking god, but I don’t care for him at all.

      I didn’t know what fleek was until a little while ago either, so don’t worry. I kept asking everybody, “Who is this ‘Fleek’ person? And why is everybody talking about them?”

      But yeah fleek is most often used to refer to eyebrows. My eyebrows are definitely on fleek: I was blessed with really thick, well-shaped brows that I rarely ever have to get done. *flips hair*

      • thoughtsonthedead

        That guy looks like young Joe Stalin

        • maggiemay

          oh shit tru af I didn’t even notice that

      • maggiemay

        Man. I missed out on the comma between “yeah” and “fleek”. Forgive me, father, for I have SINNED

  3. maggiemay

    By the way, did I tell you about the dream I had where you and Billy hauled me across the country to go to Chicago? You met Trixie and scared her off. Sorry.

    • thoughtsonthedead

      NOOOOOOOO

      • maggiemay

        SORRY SHE WAS RLLY BUSY TRYING TO CLEAN UP ONE OF THE BOX ROOM THINGYS IM SORRY

        • thoughtsonthedead

          DID U WINGMAN ME, YO?

          • maggiemay

            I actually did omfg
            Here’s what went down:
            You and Billy took me and a few other kids my age in a VW bus to Chicago and we started a drum band, which sucked because none of us could play drums (other than Bill, of course). We were scheduled to put on some sort of pre-show thing to get people excited about teens doing music, blah blah blah. We were practicing upstairs in this weird open room that overlooked the stadium and Trixie came walking through and I was just like “DUDE LOOK ITS FUCKIN TRIXIE GET UR SHIT TOGETHER BRO LETS DO THIS” and you went over to talk to her and it lasted for a little while and you tried to woo her just like Dewey Finn in School of Rock when he takes the kids to the Battle of the Bands concert and claims that he’s giving the kids their last chance before they die of a blood disease to play some live music

            and yeah
            she was like “thats so sweet thank u but I have to go get some milk” or something like that

          • maggiemay

            BANGING AS IN BANGING WITH DRUMSTICKS

          • thoughtsonthedead

            speechless

          • maggiemay

            ur next piece will be titled: “Things I Really, Really Wish Happened: That One Time Swaggie Maggie Helped Me Woo Trixie Garcia”

          • maggiemay

            srsly tho lol I’m not making this up it was by far one of the weirdest dreams I’ve had besides getting kissed by Billy

      • maggiemay

        so u def talked to her and sparks certainly flew but she wasn’t really paying close attention because all she could think about was getting to the local convenience store

        and I was just banging everything in sight

      • spencer

        Maggie is this real?

      • maggiemay

        one word:

        what the fuck

      • thoughtsonthedead

        Let’s just take a second to thank the lord for that show getting cancelled before they got to Dead Night.

      • maggiemay

        Spencer, my dream was real, if that’s what you’re asking about.

        If you’re asking about the Glee thing, too: very fortunately, it is not real. I would know, because my sister for some reason loved this show and she would’ve told me if they did any Dead.

        To be completely honest, even though the show and its entire premise sucked, they had some witty parts here and there.

      • spencer

        If its not real then what’s this?

      • spencer

        https://youtu.be/ToiDKxSOm0A

      • spencer

        Joust kidding

        • maggiemay

          HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY FUCKING GOD IM CRYING

        • maggiemay

          I FELL FOR THIS TOO A COUPLE WEEKS AGO OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

    • spencer

      Totd, get working on the screenplay around Maggies dream. We will shop that thing around.

      • maggiemay

        http://drawisland.com/

      • spencer

        Cameron crowed meets jacobs ladder……?

      • maggiemay

        Did it work?

        Let me show you how absolutely fucking lame I am.

        https://laserbeamsharks.wordpress.com/2015/07/17/im-ashamed-but-its-okay/

        • thoughtsonthedead

          speechless

          • maggiemay

            I forgot to take my medicine today just so you know where this is all coming from

          • maggiemay

            lel my greatest accomplishment all week

      • maggiemay

        I didn’t think the first link would work so I uploaded the pic to my own blog. ToTD, I’m sorry. This must be super fucking weird.

        Fan art. #bless

      • spencer

        Didn’t work the first time but Maggie that’s awesome. If you print up 1000 of those on t shirts, sell Em for 25 bucks (should Ugive to to a cut?) , you will be rolling in it. I will buy 2

      • spencer

        ToTD a cut, not toto. …

      • spencer

        I’m serious about the t shirts, stickers too

      • maggiemay

        HAHAHAHAH SPENCER ILYSM

        yeah ToTD can get a percentage and even you too because you’re simply the coolest person ever

        I’m contacting T-Shirts Unite as we speak

  4. cgrand

    I met trixie outside the stadium on Sunday…she was nice in an exasperated “when the fuck will this #dead50 shit be over so I can get back to my life” sort of way

    so there you go

    • spencer

      That’s really cool, any idea what Trixie does for a living?

      • cgrand

        runs the estate business I imagine (website, merch, releases, sex toys)

      • spencer

        Haha…..The toys

  5. dj5000000

    Jer’s right hand would kinda sell itself as a natural “shocker”

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