Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Smoking In The Girl’s Room

Still?

“I’m all in, man. Been living my life as The Hawk for a week now.”

Why?

“Honestly? I’m trying to see if there’s anything I can do that would stop me from getting laid.”

is there?

“Getting a tugger right now. Just out of frame.”

Wow.

“Tried it all: not showering, saying stupid shit in interviews, singing through my nose. Nothing.”

I feel bad for you.

“Yeah?”

CELL PHONE NOISE

No.

“Fucker.”

Good insult. Call Benjy and see if he’ll write you another one.

“Is that why you’re mad? Because I asked Benjy to be my writer and not you?”

I’m not mad.

CELL PHONE NOISE

Not mad at all.

“This pettiness is why you’re not successful.”

There are so many more reasons than that.

“Dick.”

“You’ve reached The Hawk’s nest.”

“You do character? No do character. No can take shtick.”

“Oh,  fuck.”

“Hello, hot dog dick. I back.”

“No one wanted you back.”

“I fan favorite.”

“You’re not.”

“Everyone miss Kim Jong-Un.”

“They don’t.”

“Why Josh Meyers tour not come to Only Korea?”

“Same reason I’m not going to South Florida.”

“You no like Jews?”

“No!”

“No Jews in Only Korea.”

“It’s not about the Jews.”

“Father invent Jews.”

“He didn’t.”

“You bring tour here. Play all your hit.”

“Hits.”

“Agree to disagree. Come Only Korea, Josh. I make up room for you. We have sleepover.”

“I don’t want to have a sleepover.”

“We play Nintendo in rumpus room.”

“No, thank you.”

“Make stuffed animal hump. Maybe trade hands.”

“What?”

“Trade hand. You use Kim hand. Kim use Josh hand. Go to work. Make feel good.”

“I don’t want to jerk you off, man.”

“No, no. Is not jerk me off. We jerk ourselves, but with each other hand. Is not gay.”

“Is gay.”

“Is not gay.”

“ISS PRETTY DAMN GAY, KIMMY GIBBLER.”

“Is no gay!”

“Hey, Elvis.”

“PASS.”

“Motherfucker.”

“I no talk to you, hillbilly. You ditch me in Vegas.”

“YOU WAS TALKIN’ CRAZY. COULDN’T UNNERSTAND A WORD YOU WAS SAYIN’.”

“No talk crazy! Was talking Korean!”

“YOU SAY CUH-RAZY, AH SAY KUH-REAN. SAME THING.”

“No same thing.”

“TELL IT T’ TH’ MARINES, BOY. NOW GET ON OUTTA THIS STORYLINE. THAT YOUNG MAN AH DO NOT CARE FOR WAS RIGHT. YOU AIN’T NO FAN FAVORITE. TH’ KING IS A FAN FAVORITE.”

“In small dose. You wear out welcome.”

“DON’T YOU GET META-REFERENTIAL ON ME, BOY! NOW, GIT!”

“You guy suck.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“CAN’T STAND THAT GUY, MAN. FAT, CRAZY, EV’RYBODY DOIN’ WHATEVER HE SAYS.”

“Um.”

“YOU STILL HERE?”

“Yeah, Elvis. Thanks for the help with Kim Jong–”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Motherfucker!”

You brought this on yourself, Hawk.

3 Comments

  1. Mean. Green, Devil Eating Machine

    March 4, 2017 at 10:48 am

    That really IS Kim Jong-un’s bed. I had to suppress a laugh when I first saw it. But then it was like “Yeah, that’s cool, J.”

    • Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

      March 4, 2017 at 10:57 am

      p.s. He DOES smoke a lot. He doesn’t really inhale a lot – he just has a lit cig like almost all the time? He lights up, takes a couple of drags, then holds on to it, notices it is burning down, takes a puff, snuffs it, and starts patting his pockets for the next one. So I’m like “Yo, J. You’re just wasting money on them cigs like that.” And he’s like Hey, Greenie, it’s MY economy, okay? And if I want it to go up in smoke, then it’s okay.”

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    March 4, 2017 at 11:07 am

    winking cat & a sly dog

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