I didn’t choose coding: coding chose me. How was I to know how preternaturally and prodigiously skilled I was at computer programming? Before today, I couldn’t tell a Python from a Perl, but now I have mastered computers. If John Travolta were to hold a gun to my head while I was getting mouth action from a hooker, I would be able to crack into the NSA’s mainframe within 60 seconds.
That’s how good I am. I am LEET. I now care about ethics in gaming journalism, and get all the jokes in XKCD. Perhaps I will get one of those double-screen setups. Also: did you know that instead of laboriously mousing-and-clicking, you can use keyboard shortcuts to do everything? They’re called “macros,” and it’s okay if you didn’t know that. You’re not a coder like me.
What kind of keyboard are using? Mechanical ergonomic model? No? Well, then: it’s shit, isn’t it?
How many apps are you developing? I am developing an app that develops apps, so whatever number you answered with, I still win.
What have you disrupted today?
Not only do I now code, I am now a code proselytizer. An e-vangelist. A woman at a stoplight asked me for money this morning. Instead of charity, I taught her to code and her first round of VC funding is scheduled for next week. In the park, I noticed ducks. Did I give them stale bread? No! I taught those ducks to code.
Vita brevia, codis longa.
Oh, leave Latin out of your blatherings.
Oh, poo. I did a thing. I actually did an actual thing.
You are inordinately proud of yourself.
I disagree: I think the proper level of ordinance is being displayed, pride-wise.
And now I’d like you to stop mangling English. What did you do. Like, reality-wise?
I Googled it.
Honestly: that is 90% of the solution to a minor computer-based problem. Then working up the nerve to change stuff in the CSS editor.
I like how you said CSS like you knew what it stood for.
It’s the guts. The part that looks all computery.
You’re a poet.
And, sure: it’s written in computer sentences, but the words are the same. I looked for “post” and “font” and did the thing Google told me to do.
Looked? You mean you searched.
No, no: physically scrolled through the whole page looking for the words with my eyeballs. Couldn’t figure out how to search.
Then I fucked around with the font size until it looked right.
Okay. What about changing the font?
One word. It is literally one word. I replaced the word Lato with Palatino.
That sounds like a coup in the Star Wars Universe.
It does. But I also had to delete “sans” from “sans-serif” so, you know: it wasn’t all smooth sailing.
You’re like the guy Mark Zuckerberg got to do his work for him.
Facebook was founded by Lex Luthor, who stole ideas from Spider-Man and also maybe the Lone Ranger.