Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

So You’re Thinking About Writing A Manifesto

Hi there, potential screedist. I hear through the grapevine that you’re thinking about sitting down and sweating out a grand dissertation on precisely what’s wrong with your company, your industry, or society as a whole. You have large, complicated, and nuanced thoughts that can’t be framed in 140 characters, and need to stretch your intellectual legs a bit in the longform. For a certain breed of thinker, there can be no medium other than the manifesto, and it appears that you are among their ranks.

But let’s make sure. First of all…


By writing a manifesto, you’re joining an exclusive club full of some of the loveliest people: the Unabomber, Marx, the Libertarian Party; all have manifestos.

Do you have a job?

Cuz you’re getting fired if you write a manifesto; that’s the lesson of Jerry Maguire. Also, that the human head weighs eight pounds.

Drag science into it!

A proper manifesto needs to use scientific rationale for its argument, and you lose points for citing sources. Watch how a little bit of science helps the medicine go down:

“I don’t like women or their shrill vaginas.”
That’s an opinion, and some might find it offensive.

“Women are biologically inferior to men.”
That’s science, and no one can argue with it.

If genetics doesn’t work, use anatomy. If anatomy doesn’t work, use chemistry. If chemistry doesn’t work, use evolutionary psychology. If evolutionary psychology doesn’t work, then just make something up and call it evolutionary psychology; no one will be able to tell the difference.

Have you figured out whose fault it is?

A manifesto doesn’t have a story, but there needs to be a bad guy. Capitalism? Technology? The Jews? The Lizard People?*

(NOTE: Blaming Muslims is a bit overdone lately, and publishing houses are no longer accepting submissions on the topic.)

You sure you’re right?

Ah, who am I kidding? Of course you are! No one who’s ever written a manifesto has been wrong so far.

Get out there and kick ass, tiger.


*I know, I know: the Jews are the Lizard People. I didn’t have time to go into a whole thing about it.

1 Comment

  1. How did you know? Mine is more philosophy of the mildly satirical metaphysical nature rather than manifesto.

    The stolen art I may or may not use should be a clue to the new direction.

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