First thing: you are not alone. Four out of ten people will, at one point in their lives, be accused of pushing a woman in front of a bus. You are not alone. If you follow these tips, the journey through this legal and moral minefield can be just as easy as falling off a log, or a curb.

Categorically deny.

A good way to lead off is by saying, “I have never pushed anyone in front of anything.”

Specifically deny.

After footage of you shoving that guy into the path of that garbage truck back in ’97 surface, amend your previous statement to “I have never pushed a woman in front of anything.”

Speaking of sex…

People are going to label you a sexist for pushing a woman in front of a bus, so even things up by pushing a dude in front of a bus.

Blame it on someone/something else.

Maybe she tripped and you were trying to help? Ghosts? Localized earthquake? Perhaps a black guy did it. (Warning: “black guy did it” defense only works in America.)

Yell about free speech.

If, as the Supreme Court decided in the Citizen’s United case, money is the same as speech, then why isn’t pushing women in front of buses the same as free speech?

Appeal to the alt-right.

They’d love you.

Put the whole system on trial.

When you go to court, man? You take the court to court. Taste of their own medicine. Fiat justitia ruat cælum, brother.