Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

So You’ve Been Sexually Harassed By A Member Of Congress


Dear Victim:

Let this letter serve as a guideline for your upcoming negotiations with the Treasury Fund regarding your claim of sexual harassment. The OOC would like to extend to you a general acknowledgement of your sadness without making any claim as to the cause of it, nor accepting responsibility for said sadness’ existence. We would also like to remind you that discussion of your claims with outside parties is, while not illegal, truly a dick move.

Authorization for a settlement has been preliminarily granted, but only within certain windows. Please read the following and circle the option most applicable to your case. You may circle two options.

Harassment (Verbal only): $1 – $50,000

Men and women who have been called “Bubblegum Dick,” “The Fuckable Intern,” and “Dr. Tittymonster, M.D.” should circle this option. All harassment MUST be non-physical in nature, such as (but not limited to): kissy noises, Bob Hope growling, shouting “Hey, get over here and look at my dick” in the Senate cafeteria. Inappropriate compliments, or “grooming,” may also be reported. For example, one staffer reported a Congressmen saying to her, “God, I’m jealous of your toilet.” That’s the sort of inappropriate compliment we’re talking about.

Harassment (Physical, non-touching) $50,001 – $75,000

This is the category for people who had to watch their bosses yank it. Let’s just move on. (NOTE: Do not circle this option if you were ejaculated on. That makes it assault.)

Harassment (Physical, touching) $75,001 – $100,000

Ass patting, boner pressing, shoulder massaging, hair smelling, hug extending, tummy tickling, back rubbing. The game “Tune-In, Tokyo” also falls within this category.

Assault (Physical, Non-Legitimate) $100,001 – 130,000

It may not surprise you to learn that the settlement numbers originated from a secret committee made up of old white men from both houses, and therefore anything less than a Senator leaping out at you from behind a tree while you fight to the last breath and then immediately inform the police about is considered a “Non-Legitimate” assault. The OOC regrets this, but reminds you that choosing to work in Washington, DC, was your choice. If you didn’t want to be sexually assaulted, then why did you believe in America?

Assault (Physical, Legitimate) $130,000 – up

Do not circle this option.


All settlements are contingent upon the signing of every non-disclosure form in the world.


The OOC (Yeah, You Know Me)


  1. Luther Von Baconson

    December 2, 2017 at 11:14 am

    is there a box for this on the 1040EZ? Can I make one?

  2. The United States Congress is a superb example. And the Canadian House of Commons isn’t much different.

    As an old acquaintance who once worked at the very apex of the Canadian public service puts it, politicians have enacted specific policies to protect themselves against their victims.

    Under Congressional rules, an employee who tries to complain about sexual misconduct by a politician is quickly hogtied and silenced. It’s atrocious.

    The very act of submitting a complaint is characterized as a “request for counselling,” as though the victim is the one in need of counselling. And, of course, there’s a non-disclosure agreement.

    If the complainant can’t be counselled out of complaining, she or he must participate in a month or so of mandatory mediation. With the offending boss. And, of course, continue to show up for work.

    There’s then a month-long “cooling-off” period, which, presumably, allows her or his unthinking anger to cool, and to perhaps further consider dropping the matter.

    Only then, 90 days later, can an investigation begin. Oh, and the taxpayer pays the legal bills of the accused politician, but not the complainant.

    Neil Macdonald CNBC columnist 4 days ago. He’s Hunter s Thompson of canada

    It’s like a bunch of guys got together and made Congress a great place to be a sexual harasser. Actually, that’s exactly what happened.

    To be fair, there are politicians trying to change the system. Naturally, they’re all women.

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