Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Soccer Without Research

  • Invented in England.
  • Kind of.
  • No sport was invented (except for basketball, also kind of) and soccer’s no exception.
  • It evolved from a Middle Ages dung-soaked fight between teams. Ostensibly, it was over possession of a sheep’s bladder or something equally disgusting.
  • But it was just a scheduled riot.
  • It was called ba’ because people from the past were so uneducated that “ball” was beyond them.
  • I can’t remember the town’s name, but one place would just play Upper Half of Town v. Lower Half of Town.
  • It was carnage; you’d save all your frustrations up for the day of the ba’ and just go berserker on your neighbors.
  • After several hours and deaths, the ba’ crossed the line and then there would be drinking.
  • As if there hadn’t already been drinking.
  • This semi-organized free-for-all evolved into soccer and rugby, much like Australopithecus became Homo Sapiens and Neanderthal.
  • Unlike Humans and Neanderthals, soccer did not wipe out rugby a few hundred thousand years ago by out-reproducing it.
  • You try doing this without any research, man.
  • Anyway, the name “soccer” comes from Association Football, which was an English invention in the first place, so if some weak-chinned Royalist starts braying about “American Football,” then you can dress as a Native American and shove tea up his ass.
  • There’s only seven or eight rules, all of which are fairly self-evident except for offsides.
  • Offsides is to soccer what icing is to hockey: the only confusing thing about an immensely simple game.
  • You can’t touch the ball with any part of your arm, unless you’re the goalie or Diego Maradona.
  • But the goalie can only use his special goalie-powers inside a designated area.
  • (I am positive that designated area is measured in meters.)
  • The goalie may not make a save and then run down the field to peg the ball in the other team’s goal.
  • Although: why run?
  • The other team isn’t allowed to use its hands, so what could they do? If they outright tackled you, they would get a red card, and so they could do nothing by those sissy-ass soccer “tackles” at your feet or just try to block your path and draw the foul.
  • The other goalie could grab the ball from you.
  • every soccer game would immediately turn into a goalie fight, which I am okay with, but South Americans would not be.
  • The goalie has to stay in his box, but he does get to wear a different shirt than everyone else.
  • The goalie cannot, however, wear anything he/she wants.
  • Tuxedo t-shirt? Not cool.
  • Ghana is better at it than us.
  • Markedly, demonstrably, historically better than us.
  • If anything is a reason to not do something, I think that Ghana doing it better over a span of a decade is a good one.
  • Brazil is also better at it than us, but that seems appropriate.
  • It’s like when Canada beats us in hockey; you know the universe is in order.
  • Soccer is called “the beautiful game,” and yet Vinnie Jones used to play it.
  • The entire world except for us, mostly, is soccer-mad.
  • It’s honestly a fun and cheeky thing to disagree with the rest of the world on.
  • Unlike, say, “should we execute the mentally disabled?”
  • That’s the only thing I like about soccer, and it’s the only thing I like about the Olympics – the whole point of being a tribe is to hate the other tribes. This is at the essence of human nature and, obviously, tribal behavior.
  • There’s nothing better than beating those fuckers, all the while mocking their culture and history.
  • Doesn’t matter which fuckers.
  • Those fuckers, these fuckers.
  • Any fuckers’ll do.
  • And it’s much more pleasant to beat those fuckers at ping-pong or ice hockey or basketball than, you know, war.
  • Aside from that, everything about soccer is unbearable: the impenetrable league/cup nonsense, the terrifying fans, the low scores.
  • Nil-nil?
  • I paid for parking and you’re gonna come at me with “nil-nil?”
  • Suck my American balls, Nigel: you get back on that field–FUCK YOU AND YOUR “PITCH” BULLSHIT–and keep kicking the ball around until you have a proper score.
  • 31-27 is a proper score.
  • Fuck nil-nil. In fact: fuck “nil.”
  • The word you’re looking for is “nothing,” as in “You have scored nothing,” “You have accomplished nothing,” or “The other team has done three things, but you’ve done no things.”
  • If you’re lucky, you might get a final of 2-1.
  • Yay.
  • No cheerleaders.
  • No playoffs.
  • No Golden Snitch.
  • There is something called relegation, which if it were here would mean that the Jacksonville Jaguars would be a high-school team by now.
  • Scarves are very important in soccer.
  • As is singing.
  • And nowhere do you see more singing and scarves than the World Cup.
  • (Yes, I did just insert an awkward segue into a list.)
  • The World Cup has been going on for many, many years. Around 100? Same French-run bullshit as the Olympics, so I’m going to say around 100 years or so.
  • World Cup and Olympics are pretty much the same thing, really. A host country gets fleeced and left with a ton of infrastructure it doesn’t need, some European sybarites make money, Coke ads.
  • As bad as the IOC is, FIFA is worse.
  • Ah, maybe not: they’re both hideous, but if you’d like to picture FIFA in human form, think the Baron Harkonnen from David Lynch’s Dune. Plague-ridden and pustulent and befouling anything that came near.
  • Also bouncing around the room for some reason.
  • That film made very little sense.
  • FIFA’s current president is named Sepp Blatter, because Ernst Blofeld was taken.
  • Sepp Blatter is precisely whom you would imagine a man named Sepp Blatter to be.
  • Say what you will: Sepp Blatter delivers.
  • And he ain’t dumb: Sepp Blatter rose to power by using FIFA’s own rules against it.
  • Each member gets one vote, whether it’s China or the Maldives.
  • Sepp Blatter realized that a bloc of smaller nations could be assembled, as small nations all have the same agenda.
  • Fuck the big countries.
  • Whereas the big countries all have same agenda, too, but the agenda is “fuck each other.”
  • This makes for a poor voting bloc.
  • Also, the smaller nations are cheaper to bribe.
  • And as long as had this Coalition of the Shitholes, Sepp Blatter was free to do whatever the hell he wanted.
  • What he wanted was money.
  • Like TotD has always told you, Enthusiasts: as long as you’re not taking your dick out at Foot Locker, you can get away with the most ludicrous bullshit for a good long while.
  • They they come and get you.
  • They are coming to get Sepp Blatter. Do you know how many people you have to rip off before the Swiss start indicting and extraditing for financial crimes?
  • The Swiss hid the Nazi’s gold, but they want nothing to do with Sepp Blatter.
  • Wow.
  • The visiting team’s moms bring the orange slices and juice boxes.

6 Comments

  1. Robin Russell

    May 28, 2015 at 12:14 am

    Melbourne Football Club, an Australian Football club, was established in 1858. Australian Football traces its origins to the ancient Aboriginal game of Marn Grook. Notts County Football Club, the oldest English soccer club, was established in 1862.

    I predict that Sepp “Blofeld” Blatter will be re-elected FIFA President tomorrow. I’m pretty sure he has the Solomon Islands vote. And who better to clean house than the one who knows where all the dirt is piled up? These principles have signposted the road to institutional excellence since institutions first discovered money.

    • I now agree with you: never change horses in mid-stream!

      In fact, I propose we grant Sepp Blatter unlimited power to ferret out wrongdoers, with his reassurances that once the crisis is through, he will relinquish said power.

  2. Sir Luther Van Baconson

    May 28, 2015 at 10:54 am

    su-su-su subbuteo….whoaaaaa whoaaaaaaa! been on my mind lately.

  3. you left out soccer’s wonderful contribution to the world,
    and in particular to the NBA–
    flopping

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