With all the attention focussed on the Santa Clara shows happening–wow–48 hours from now, Enthusiasts attending the Chicago shows might have let down on their preparations.
Luckily, Soldier Field has a Facility Guide ready for you to tell you the do’s and don’t’s of today’s new, improved super-fun and family-friendly Branded Experience©. In case you don’t feel like clicking, TotD has reprinted the document in full and with no changes below.
What You Must Know To Avoid Being Tased And Disappeared
Attention People Coming to Bears Games: We Feel the Same Way About Jay Cutler, Trust Us
Soldier Field is ADA-compliant and wishes to accommodate all of our guests. Separate seating is available for people in wheelchairs and their companions. If you’re just a spaz, we can do nothing for you. Try not to spill stuff, spaz.
Alcohol and Illegal Drugs
It has gotten to the point with you filthy animals that watered-down, twelve-dollar beer can only be sold for the first quarter of the game due to the booze riots that break out in the poor people seats, so obviously you cannot be bringing your flakka up in here.
Built to honor the heroes of WWI (the Stupidest War,) Soldier Field will never change its name, unless the offer for the naming rights is really, really, really big. To show our veterans what we think of them, a 15-foot-tall Doughboy statue is located by the east end of the stadium, right next to the 18-foot-tall Michael Jordan statue.
Automated Teller Machines (ATMs)
First off: you’re welcome for the acronym help. Second: what do you need cash for? It’s 2015 and no one requires cash except drug dealers, bookies, and whores. None of these things are allowed in Soldier Field, which is sponsored by Visa and wired up like a modern place, so there is nothing you cannot buy without a credit card unless you are a criminal.
Bag & Personal Search/Scan
Fingers will be up asses. Let’s leave it at that.
Code of Conduct
Do not drink yourself insensate; nor vomit on a child. Racial epithets should ne’er be hurled. Teach no one a lesson; fling nary a battery; grab not a stranger’s tit. In short: honor your city of Chicago. Do you want to be Philadelphia? No one wants to be Philadelphia, so just try to behave yourself for three or four hours.
Well, one’s definitely not allowed.
Bike Parking and Racks
You get your hippie bullshit out of my office or, so help me God, I’ll choke you to death with my hands. Not a movie-type thing: it takes a long time and you would shit yourself and you would totally, absolutely know it was happening. You would be staring into another human being’s eyes as he murdered you. It would arouse me sexually to murder you in that fashion if you ever bring up bicycles again, okay?
Binoculars are awesome and don’t get enough love and if someone was a collector of binoculars, that would be wonderful and hip. If you let me play with your binoculars, you may bring whatever ridiculous sniper-scope bullshit you want into Soldier Field. Obviously, you cannot bring big-ol’ video cameras in here; that is foolishness.
Closing Times – Alcohol, Club/Suites, Parking Lots
The Imperial Deck, the Skyline Club, and the Praetor’s Suites will stop serving alcohol whenever everyone has had enough alcohol. Bleacher, Cargo, and Ballast-level kiosks shall stop serving Coors Light after they are set on fire by the violent, drunken rabble.
If you fuck up, your ass gets tossed like a salad, or an ass.
The easy way to remember the difference between elevators and escalators is that elevators hang from the top of the cave, and escalators live in South America.
All the elevators are ADA-compliant, which I would feel should go without saying. Clearly, there’s not going to be one of those death-trap tenement elevators with the balky grate you have to shove with all your strength: this is a football stadium, not student housing in the 12th arrondisement.
Electric Vehicle Charging Stations
Soldier Field has three SmartStation charging points, which is not enough, so feel free to enjoy white people having slapfights with one another over power sockets. Soldier Field: The Future, Today!
In any emergency, DO NOT notify the nearest usher, as the odds are that he is not an actual usher. Soldier Field has been having a small problem with people imitating ushers to direct people to the wrong gate while pickpocketing them and involve guests in Ponzi schemes. Some of the fake ushers are just what we call “tacklers,” more instinct than man, now. Also, a few of the ushers are baboons in yellow jackets and whatever problem you have, introducing a baboon will make it worse. Settle your own shit, is what I’m saying.
Whether it’s of the bowel or of the crowd, no one wants to evacuate at Soldier Field. I might actually choose being in a terror thing over taking a doody at a football stadium because at least I might die in the terror; the doody, I would always have to live with.
Unless you’re in one of our Praetor’s Suites, where the Japanese-import toilet will wash your balls and anal area while telling you how thin you look from this angle.
Are you shitting me?
First Aid/Medical Services
An ambulance is parked at Gate 17, and roving medical teams will be present at every game. Please do not steal the ambulance again. Really: that is some Philadelphia-level foolishness and Soldier Field has made it perfectly clear how he feels about that.
Soldier Field does not have dialysis facilities. No transplants can be performed. Dentistry is not practiced here; orthodontics is out of the question. If you are a Bubble Person, you cannot come here: Soldier Field is filthy.
It should also be noted that the BloodMobile outside Soldier Field is NOT registered with any reputable blood banks and may in fact be run by draculas.
Lost and Found
More like Lost and Mine, Now.
Is for poor people to go from their apartments to their factories.
Is for rich people to go from their kitchens to their heaven.
Seriously? Re-entry? Never. Never has anyone been allowed to re-enter anywhere that wasn’t a failing theme park. You’re on the bus or off it. Man.
Depending on what you define as a bathroom, there are anywhere from forty to infinite bathrooms in Soldier Field. Please poop where we ask you to, or, preferably, not at all. There are also a number of baby-changing stations, the best one of which is located at your home, or work, or any place that’s not a Bears game or a Kenny Chesney concert.
In addition to the Officers in red jackets, there are undercover police and intelligence agents in the crowd at Soldier Field. It would be helpful, and good for you, if you informed Soldier Field of any possible subversive activity going on in your section. Or perhaps you are the subversive, comrade?
You many not smoke in Soldier Field. Don’t try sneaking off for a quick one: we know all the places you’d go, and even if we don’t catch you, we’ll smell your fingers and then you will be in trouble, mister.
E-cigarettes, or “vapes,” are allowed, but you look like a turd doing it.
Smoking is permitted in the Praetor’s Suites
Soliciting is permitted in Soldier Field as long as one wears the wig; sampling is okay if it’s creative. None of that weak-ass shit on my aux cord. My mixtape is so fire I named it Great White Live in Rhode Island, fam.
You never feel more like you’re in a movie than when you’re slightly drunk in the back of a taxi late at night.
Anyone caught trespassing will be shot on sight. Sure, you might ask, what gives me the right? Castle Doctrine, that’s what.
Whenever we get a particularly dopey intern at Soldier Field, we tell him to “Go find Will Call.” It’s a hoot.
Is free for guests in our Praetor’s Suites. All other guests will have gossip yelled at them.