Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Soldier Field Prohibited Items

  • Alcoholic beverages.
  • Alcoholic meals, such as rumham or a roast chicken with an Absolut bottle shoved up its ass.
  • Bags. (This includes backpacks, satchels, biker bags, purses, pocketbooks, clutches, murses, baby bjorns with stuff in them instead of babies, hobo bindles, pack donkeys, tote bag, fanny pack, enormous magical sack heaved over your shoulder.)
  • Balloons, floaty.
  • Balloons, sad.
  • Beach balls.
  • Beach scrota.
  • Beverage containers of any sort including, but not limited to: bottles, cans, bota bags, hats with straws, a garbage bag full of “punch” carried by you and your cousin Uncle Bucky, chalice, thermos, hollowed-out gourd, amphora, cask, shot glass, hands cupped together kneeling at a cool river, coffee mug your kid made you.
  • Cameras.
  • Catamarans.
  • Celebratory gunfire.
  • Confetti, although this is a “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” type of situation, in that throwing confetti all over people at a Bears game would most likely get you stabbed and no jury would convict a man what done it.
  • Fireworks, smoke bombs, M80s, Cherry Bombs, sticks of red dynamite with long fuses hanging off, spherical black bombs with long fuses hanging off, any sort of plunger/wire device, Claymores, grenades, space grenades like the one Princess Leia (disguised as the bounty hunter Boushh) scared Jabba with, the naked Chinese kid throwing firecrackers from Boogie Nights.
  • Flamethrowers.
  • Ice chests.
  • Ice torsos.
  • Illegal drugs.
  • Illicitly obtained legal drugs.
  • Laser pens, pointers, blasters, swords.
  • Noise-making devices. (Air horns, bull-roarers, those cheap plastic tubes that go HWOOOO when you whirl them, vuvuzelas, whoopie cushions, fart machines, coked-up nephews.)
  • Poles to display the banners we already told you not to bring in so why were you bringing a pole in, asshole?
  • Stroller.
  • Stick of any kind, including selfie sticks and definitely not a ninja-grade bo staff; you could take out dozens of people with that thing before they took you down.
  • They’d probably have to shoot you.
  • Umbrellas. (In any variety: small, and worn as a hat by a doofus; immense, and wielded by a caddy for an asshole; made of newspaper like you were some cheap bitch; big leaf like a gorilla.)
  • Weapon of any kind: ranged, melee, artillery, recoil-less, dead body hurled over the city walls, sai, eskrima sticks, flying guillotine, duffel bag full of furious raccoons, epee, foil, sabre, scimitar, bat’leth, Graive, hand-replaced-by-chainsaw, sawed-off shotgun, blowgun that shoots used syringes, bowcaster, Excalibur, Sting, sex (if you use it as a weapon,) a branch with a piece of human feces on the end of it.


  1. Thermal detonator. That was the thing Leia was carrying.

  2. Don’t come with any high expectations, either.

  3. Sting, the wrestler?

  4. I always did like the binoculars flask. Forgot what website I saw it on.

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