Were you drinking in the car?
“Snorting cocaine, too, motherfucker. Shut the fuck up.”
Where you coming from?
“Gig. Fucking Canada. Weird little motherfuckers up here. Chipper. I don’t like Canada. Too much like America.”
A lot of people like Canada for that very reason.
“Fuck ’em. I gotta cross a border, I wanna see some foreign shit. Japan. Those Chinamen in Japan are some foreign-ass motherfuckers. Don’t do nothing right.”
“The women are fine. Quiet. I like that. Small feet. I ain’t got a foot thing, but they got small fucking feet. Good for dancing with so you don’t step on ’em. Italian bitches got big feet. And they ain’t quiet. Italian bitch knows how to cook. Food you recognize, too. None of that weird Japan food. Japanese bitch liable to just throw a live squid at your face.”
I don’t think they would.
“German bitches cost too much to feed. Always fucking hungry. Like wolverines with big titties.”
This is like the worst cover of Some Girls I’ve ever heard.
“South American women got that something. See, there was a lot of mixing going on down there. Conquistadors and Indians and shit. Plus it’s real hot, so everybody’s half-naked all the fucking time. The South American respects the ass. White man fears fat asses. The white man thinks he isn’t man enough to make that ass do what he says. This is why all your movie star bitches got no asses. The white man teaches his white children to fear the ass.”
How much cocaine did you have?
“English bitches all like getting pissed on.”
Can we talk about literally anything else?
“Vhat about Russian vomen?”
“Ah, not this motherfucker again.”
“Russian voman is best voman. She cut down tree in morning, plow field in afternoon, ride on boner at night. Is best woman.”
“Russian bitches got fat ankles.”
“Da. Is sexy.”
“No, it ain’t.”
“Da. Fat ankles good for standing in line for radishes. Provide sturdy base. Hot.”
“You motherfuckers ought to burn your whole country down and start the fuck over.”
“Nyet. Ve are awesome. Okay. Ve play My Funny Valentine.”
“Figures you only like the white keys.”
“Putin is nyet racist. Have had many negros assassinated.”
Guys, guys. Let’s keep it down.
“You got a fucking ending for this shit?”
“He nyet have punchline. Vas going to let us bicker pointlessly.”
Putin’s right, Mr. Davis.
“Da. Is typical.”