Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Some People Are Critics

“You Can Make Him Like You: Craig Finn and the Death of Rock and Roll in Brooklyn”.

What is that?

I wanna write about the Hold Steady. Maybe get serious and sell a piece of serious Rock Criticism to the one of the big outfits. Would Rolling Stone buy that?

Fuck, no. Vox wouldn’t even publish that.

What about Spin?

Yeah, probably.

Okay.  How about “Multitude of Casualties: An Oral History of Lifter Puller”?

First: maybe a moratorium on the oral histories. Second: that sounds like a lot of work.

I would make it all up.

Oh, I figured. Still: quite a bit of work. Y’know that oral history of the Hell in a Bucket video you wanted to do?

Yeah.

Did you do it?

No.

Why not?

Hard.

Yeah.

Okay, how about this: “The ER is Like an After Bar: Drinking Gin with Craig Finn and Getting Him Shitfaced and Then not Stopping; Basically Forcing Alcohol Down The Throat of a Man We’ve Just Met and Then, Like, Leaving Him Somewhere”?

The rock star profile-as-assault?

The logical conclusion of what Lester Bangs started.

Vice would buy it.

What if I stabbed him?

Then, you could be on Noisey.

Okay. I got it. “Take Me Out to the Ballgame: Yet Another Fucking Conversation About Baseball With Craig Finn.”

Here’s the deal: you may do one–ONE–of those bullet pointed things that are easier than actual sentences and paragraphs about the Hold Steady and how awesome they are and that is it.

I use bullet points because my ideas are so deadly.

I continue, having ignored that last statement: you may not introduce the Hold Steady into your fictional universe.

Semi-fictional.

No conversations with the drummer.

I have absolutely no idea who the drummer is.

Let’s keep it that way.

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