bobby john mayer elon musk“So, I guess you got what you wanted, Johnny Marshmallow.”

“John Mayer.”

“You’re a Grateful Dead, now, I suppose.”

“Dude, this is the greatest thing ever: I’ve always wanted to be a Grateful Dead ever since the first time I listened to you guys two years ago.”


“I’m going to get the most fashionable set of trousers you’ve ever seen, Bobby.”

“I know a place.”

“Get my haircut real cool.”

“I also know a place for that. Right next to the pants place, actually.”

“What’s this look you’ve got going on here?”

“Guy who tells people in was in the military at a barbecue.”

“You had a specific vision.”

“I did.”

“I respect that.

“We’re all a bit older than you, y’know. Might do stuff a bit differently.”

“That’s no problem, Bob. What stuff?”

“Well, we all hang around backstage completely naked with towels over our shoulders. Sometimes, we’ll put our legs up on stuff: we make personal hygiene public, basically.”

“That’s fine, I guess.”

“Also, when any of us want to get in touch with you, we call. If you don’t pick up, we leave long and detailed voice-mail messages containing important mumbled information.”

“Old school.”

“Oh, speaking of that: gimme your Twitter.”

“What? How?”

“Don’t sass me. Give me your Twitter; hand it over; let’s go.”


“Dammit, Jasper–”


“–I will strip you down and search you up. Gimme the tweetybird.”

“Ah, I’m just fucking with you.”

“Bob, I was scared!”

“I know what the Twitter is.”


“Now, if it were Phil, he would legitimately not understand.”


“Joke aside, you are gonna have to stop using the Twitter, though. And all that other bullshit, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Bobby, listen: my–”

“Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. If your response contains the phrases “social media” or “brand awareness” or “legion of followers,” then I’m gonna kick your ass with my old man strength.”

“–legion of…okay, man.”

“Grateful Deads don’t tweet.”

“All of you have Twitter accounts.”

“The 28-year-old publicist of a Grateful Dead may, if he or she so chooses, tweet. A Grateful Dead does not.”

“You know Elon Musk?”

“Someone introduced me.”

“Can you believe he asked for free tickets?”

“Plus he drives an electric car, so he gets a discount on parking.”

“Rich get richer.”

“You said it, Bobby.”