- Three years after Harry, Ron, and Hermione graduated Hogwarts, Hagrid died while performing auto-erotic asphyxiation; the hippogriff consumed all of him but his beard and folksiness.
- Voldemort is not dead, and was deeply involved in the Leave campaign during the Brexit.
- It turns out that butterbeer is made of house elves.
- Magic doesn’t actually exist; all the characters were really aliens from the planet Zeist, and also Sean Connery comes back.
- Ron served 14 months for touching a goose improperly.
- Hermione took him back, but the marriage is over, and Ron?
- Ron’s different now.
- Spends his afternoons driving to ponds in faraway towns where no one knows him.
- Math, history, science, and languages still not taught at Hogwarts.
- Diagon Alley now a Target.
- Hermione is now black, and has always been so, apparently.
Did you just pull the ripcord on the bullet points?
I just can’t with the Harry Potter. It’s everything bad about Great Britain in one package: whimsy, and classically-trained actors, and obsession with lineage, and castles.
What’s wrong with castles?
Ever hear of a decent person building one?
Besides the crazy guy in Death Valley?
No. Warmongers and robber barons build castles.
There you go. Fuck castles, and fuck Harry Potter.
Glad we got that settled.