Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Stairway To Seven

band 77 steps bw

Clockwise from top:

  • This version of Billy–the Dickpunching Caballero– was short-packed and snatched up by collectors upon hitting the shelves.
  • Mrs. Donna Jean is thrilled to be there, but has to get back to gym class.
  • Mickey is the living embodiment of cocaine. Like, if there were a God of Cocaine–like Zeus or Ganesha or whomever–and he had to interact with humans, that is the form he would assume: cocky, wearing a ridiculous hat, and bearing the shirt of the band he’s in.
  • Back to Billy for a sec: he’s farting on Mrs. Donna Jean, isn’t he?
  • Luckily for all, Keith happened to have been in the park when everyone else showed up for the photo shoot. He had been chasing squirrels, and being chased by squirrels, and pressed into service in the squirrel navy fighting off the mighty war machine of the King of the Geese, Featherbeak the Younger. Having a human on their side decisively shifted the balance of power to the squirrels and it looked like victory would be theirs, but to an average citizen–or a cop–it just looked like Keith was half-naked in the pond strangling geese and there were children there, man. He tried to explain, but then everybody showed up and Rock gave the cop a twenty and no one mentioned the incident and someone found Keith new pants.
  • What the fuck, Mushroom Head?
  • Nice nips, Bobby.
  • No joke: Keith berseker-murdered at least eight geese; the chilling thing is that his heart beat never went above 70. In fact, his heart stopped twice that afternoon, but that’s completely unrelated to the goose massacre.
  • Jesus, Garcia.


  1. Man, this is Steely Dan-caliber ugly. Also, MDJG’s nipples. Too bad this is the least-flatteiring likeness of MDJG I’ve seen. Garcia wins Normalest Guy in Photo because Bob’s moose knuckle.

  2. Also also I think Keith should be voiced by the guy who does Goliath the talking dog. I haven’t heard him speak but assume this may be realistic based on Let Me Sing Your Blues Away, which sounds like it was written for that band on the Muppet Show (featuring Muppet Joni Mitchell.)

  3. The Man in the Middle

    October 19, 2014 at 8:27 am

    A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and tells the artist she would like two tattoos, one of Jerry Garcia on her left inner thigh, and one of Bob Weir on her right inner thigh. After hours of work the tattoo artist is finished and holds a mirror in between the womans legs for her to view.

    The woman says,” I dont know if these really look like Jerry and Bob, and I ain’t payin’ for this if it ain’t right!” She tells the artist she will go just outside the buisness and ask someone walking down the street if they know who the two men are on her thighs, if they answer correctly she would pay the artist.

    She soon sees an old wino walking down the street, so she pulls up her skirt, spreads her legs and asks him, ” Can you tell me who these 2 guys are?”

    The drunk covers one eye, stares for a bit and replies, ”I dunno who them two fellers are but that guy in the middle is Keith Godchaux!”

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